


Ends.

by asterilotos



Category: D.Gray-man
Genre: Allen mentally wrestles with Nea, Canon-Typical Violence, F/M, Kanda is oblivious, M/M, Manga & Anime, Manga Spoilers, The Order isn’t all what it seems, Various POV's
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2016-07-29
Updated: 2017-04-25
Packaged: 2018-07-27 13:49:28
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 7
Words: 34,590
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/7620772
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/asterilotos/pseuds/asterilotos
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>In which, Kanda struggles to protect Allen and Johnny from the Order, the Fourteenth, and the whole damn world who is out to get them.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> I wrote this over three years ago! Recently with D.Gray-man Hallow I decided to pick it up again and hopefully finish it. Pretty much what I would love to see happen in the manga but never will. I changed a lot since I first wrote this. Sorry for any mistakes. 
> 
> Timeline takes place around 3 months after current canon period.
> 
> No beta so if anyone is willing to help, that would be great!~

Winter came with a ferocity. The snow was swirling in the inky night. White snowflakes fall on his hair and his eyelashes just as the dark as the sky above. Kanda pulls the hood of his cloak over his head. He clutches the warm bag of take-out in one hand and keeps his other free just in case he needs to reach for mugen. The wind blows especially hard then, it bites his skin and sends goose pimples up and down his arms. His free hand curls into a tight fist as he pulls his cloak tighter to his chest.

He is on his way back to Allen and Johnny who were nestled in the warmth of a small rundown motel in the outskirts of Sweden. It could be their twentieth hide out, for all he knew. He’d lost count by now.

They hadn’t seen anyone from the Order in almost two months. Though they did almost have that close run-in when they were in Germany a few weeks back. After everything they had been through, there was no way he would allow them to be caught so easily. He found the most filthy, cheap, and non-suspect place he could think of to hide them. There was no way they could stay anywhere that was worth a damn of his money. _Not when Beansp- Allen,_ he corrected himself, was dealing with a never-ending battle in his own body and the Order and Noah were around every corner looking for them.

Kanda had been tasked by the Order to find Allen Walker and Johnny Gill and immediately return them. He had found Allen and Johnny over four months ago but he had no intention of reporting it to the Order. Instead, he helped them hide away from the deadly clutches from this world that was out to get them.

Hiding in obscure places, rundown motels, bars, and brothels had not caught the attention from any exorcists in the Order or even Noah who might be tasked with the same job as he. People always joked how unintelligent Kanda was, yet he was smart enough to evade being caught for the past few months. _Idiots._

Kanda never had any expectations for his own life, not much at least. His sole purpose was to find that person. After that time… that person… He let out a long breath.

_Alma._

The name and the memories still pushed down on him like a heavy weight. Things had gotten better he admitted, as they say 'time heals all wounds.' However, that didn’t mean those wounds didn’t leave a large, disfigured scar behind.

When he found Alma had been _that_ person all along, his sole purpose for living had been fulfilled at the very same cost of losing the same person all over again. Who would have ever thought Alma was the person he’d been looking for all along? Who would have ever thought that the same exact person he dearly loved in his past life time was in this one too? Yet, no matter what lifetime it was, the end was always the same. He’d always lose Alma.

_“Star-crossed lovers.”_

_“What?” Kanda asked in annoyance._

_“I heard brother say that to Reever once…” A much younger Lenalee sighed. “Do you think that’s true? That exorcists don’t get to love? That any chance of love will end in tragedy?” Her brows furrowed in concern and her mouth deepened into a frown. “Do you think that?“_

_Lenalee wasn’t like him. She had had a rough life, witnessed atrocities with those large expressive eyes of hers but she was good. She was able to move forward. She’s wasn’t like him. Those books she read in her spare time were full of beauty and happiness. No matter what she’d seen in the broken world they lived in she didn’t think it was all bad. Not like him._

_Exorcists didn’t get to be happy. They weren’t people, they were tools for the Order. Yet Lenalee believed there was still more to this world._

_While Kanda never expected Komui to say anything negative as that, for once, he agreed with eccentric man. Love always ended in tragedy, especially if you were an exorcist._ _Kanda wanted to tell Lenalee to grow up, stop believing in those stupid books she reads and face reality._

_Yet the words that came out of his mouth were anything but._

_“Your brother says a lot of things.”_ _Lenalee looked at him with a confused and worried expression._ _“Idiot once told me ramen tasted better than soba.”_

_She laughed at that. The dark, sorrowful look she had previously worn was gone. It was strange how okay her smile and laughter could actually make him feel. He agreed with Komui and yet he couldn’t tell her that. She was good._ _She wasn’t like him and he couldn’t let her be._

“Star-crossed lovers, huh?” Kanda laughs bitterly. His stomach lurches.

He should no longer have a reason for existing; he should have no reason to continue to breathe the air of the harsh world. Yet there’s always a nagging feeling that tears at his conscience. If he ceases to exist then he would not die peacefully. He knows why that is, of course.

_Allen Fucking Walker._

His purpose in life had shifted to the cursed silver-haired teen. The irony of that fact doesn’t go unnoticed to him. Kanda hates people like Allen. People like Allen could smile while the world burned around them just so he could convince his loved ones even if his insides were burning with the world around him.

Kanda hates people like Allen because he had only met one person like him before. Alma.

The dark-haired man trudges through the snow and thin sheets of ice crack under his boots. Coming nearer and nearer to the motel, he can see the light on in the room they were occupying. They were on the third floor. Close to the road to watch for anyone who might be looking for them.

After their near run-in in Germany, they needed to be cautious. That time was the first time in so long where Kanda had actually felt “fear,” if it could be called that. If the exorcists in Germany had reported to Headquarters that General Kanda Yu was hiding Allen Walker and Johnny Gill, he was sure Headquarters would send all of their best exorcists after them and he knew he couldn’t protect the two idiots with the whole Order after him.

Not once in Kanda’s life had he expected to live this way. He, too, was on the run, though the Order didn’t know of his crimes yet.

Kanda climbs the stairs to the third floor, passing the strange characters in the hall they share the floor with. Some prostitutes and drug addicts walk back and forth across the halls. He doesn’t need to imagine what they are doing or what goes on in their rooms. He’s heard it all before passing these same halls and from their own room. The paper thin walls make everything nearly audible. The moans and grunts are as clear as day and he always scowls and presses pillows over his ears to drown out the noise. It was awkward and yet this was the perfect place to hide from the Order. No one would ever think they’d be in a place such as this. Hell, he has been living in places like this for months now and he still can’t believe it.

Kanda opens the door to their room and closes it with a click behind him. Johnny jumps from the bed to his feet and greets him merrily. The Bean- _Allen_ doesn’t even spare him a glance.

Kanda sets the bag of food on the small rickety table next to the wall. He then strips off his exorcist coat and hangs it over a chair.

Johnny claps his hands together animatedly and sniffs the aroma of the food traveling in the air. “Smells so good! Thank you, Kanda!”

“Yep.” He grunts.

Kanda glances over at Allen who is sitting on the lone double bed and shuffling cards in his hands. If this had been another time, he would’ve inhaled the food before Kanda even set it on the table. But this was now and Walker barely ate these days.

It was clear there was something on his mind. There always was now.

“Do you want dinner, Allen?” Johnny asks.

“I’m not really hungry,” Allen smiles with that disgustingly feigned smile that never reaches his eyes. Kanda hates that expression. It is so dishonest and so unlike his former self. He had become nothing but fake smiles.

The bespectacled man then asks him the same question, but Kanda declines his offer. Truthfully, he isn’t very hungry either. It isn’t because the food isn’t his go-to soba or that the food in this country is bad. He partly thinks his loss of appetite has something to do with the stupid silver-haired teen’s fake smiles.  There was nothing more sickening than people who played pretend.

Kanda never planned to learn the damn Moyashi’s name, yet not only did he learn his name but it was burned into his memory. It was branded into his skin from their battle a year ago. There were sharp strikes from their swords and fists but nothing cut deeper than the words he’d said to Allen then. _“If you weren’t born...”_ Nothing makes him feel more ill than knowing he’s the reason Allen is suffering in this hellhole and not laughing and smiling with Johnny and Lenalee and that stupid Lavi back at the Order.

But Kanda wanted Allen dead then, Kanda wanted to die then too. To know Alma had been alive and suffering under his own boots the entire time. Because of the damned Beansprout, Alma is finally at peace. Now in some twist of fate, Kanda’s reason for living now revolves around Allen Walker.

There was a time when he would not have cared what happened to the damned Moyashi or this damned world they lived in. He once lived in a world of black and white, where he had no friends or foes just his goal. If it weren’t for Allen he would have never achieved his goal. Because of Walker he found _that person_ who happened to be Alma all along and he freed them both. Because of Allen, Alma was finally free.

For Kanda’s happiness, Allen threw away his own and he did it without hesitation. It was Kanda’s fault the fourteenth Noah awakened and now it was his duty to make sure the Noah would never take over Allen. Some days were hard, terrifying, and he and Johnny had to help Allen stay in his mind and keep Nea at bay. There was nothing he could do about the treason charges against the Beansprout, but he could certainly be the one to destroy the Noah when he emerged and stop him from aiding in the destruction of the world.

This was all his own fault. Allen and the fourteenth… and as much as he hated to admit it, he doesn’t hate Allen Walker. It would have been better if he did because it would have been easier to hate and walk away from this clusterfuck of a situation.

He isn’t sure what he feels for Allen and as the time he spends with him grows, the more confused he becomes.

After Tiedoll suggested he become a General, he did. Being a General, he is no longer under Komui’s command, but under the command of the Five Great Generals. A few days after Kanda’s run-in with Tiedoll, he met with those Generals. The meeting was in the Vatican. The architecture and statues were grandiose and from a time long passed.

The Generals appointed him the mission of locating and detaining Allen Walker and Johnny Gill. Simple enough. He already had found Allen but he didn’t let the Order know that. All he had to do was show up to Headquarters once a month, turn in his report, collect his pay, and he was off again. His reports were always the same though he provided the Order with some truthful information when he filled out his reports. Most of the time, he claimed he was still searching but had a lead that Allen was with the Noah. Half-truths, half-truths.

Moving up in the command of the Order was never something he wanted, but it was the only way he could stay with the Beansprout and Johnny. It was the only way he could make sure they were eating well and sleeping and most importantly that they were safe. It also lessened the chance of him becoming a fallen one since he got check-ups monthly and did not ‘go against Gods will.’

He rolled his eyes. This world, the demons, all this death and destruction…if there was a God, this was not their will. If there was a God, they certainly wouldn’t let the Order be the one to enforce that will.

“That was delicious.” Johnny sighs contentedly, licking his lips and rubbing his belly. He’d finished eating the dinner Kanda bought and was leaning backed in his chair. “Thanks again, Kanda. I know it’s freezing out there.”

“Was nothing,” He replies curtly, kicking his boots off and grabbing the spare blanket folded on the arm of the small shitty couch in the room, leaning against the windows and the chipped of white panes. Most of the springs of the couch are broken and it is sunken in near the middle. But it’s been his sleeping place these past weeks. Meanwhile, Johnny and Allen share the only bed in the room. Their way of living is certainly cramped, but somehow he feels more alive than he has in a long time.

“Yeah, thanks.” Allen says then, half pulling the corner of his lips up. Allen would never made an attempt to fake his emotions around him. The younger man either didn’t think he’d believe him or he could care less what he thought. That bothered Kanda for some reason.

Johnny washes up and brushes his teeth in the bathroom before he’s sitting back in front of Allen on the mattress. They’re both cross-legged on the double bed, starting a new game of cards and chatting amiably among themselves.

It usually went as such. It had been nearly a half-year since Kanda and Allen first reunited. The Beansprout was still a shell of his former self but he at least didn’t try to run from them anymore. He wanted them around, well, Johnny anyway.

The silver-haired young man’s chuckle broke him out of his thoughts. It was a hollow laugh. He was mostly hollow laughs these days.

Kanda watches on as the pair continue to chat about various things. Usually Johnny would share new theories he’d come up with with Allen. Their friendship reminds him of he and Alma before everything went downhill.

Kanda’s current goal is not to make friends though. He only has one motive for tagging along with Johnny and the Beansprout and that is the Fourteenth. He wouldn’t allow him to take over and if he did, he would be the one to put an end to it all. It was his fault, after all.

Like Alma, one day Allen, too, would die before him. It was something he knew he would have to face and while he prepared for it, he couldn’t say he was ready for it.

After their game, Johnny hops off the bed and stretches his limbs. “I need a shower.” He smiles brightly. _That man is like a bright ray of light,_ Kanda thinks. The man is a few years older than both he and the Beansprout, but he has a childlike innocence that neither of them have. Johnny hums as he gathers fresh pajamas and a towel then he leaves Kanda alone with Allen.

The air is quiet except for the running shower head and faint voices of people in the hallways and adjacent rooms. There is something unsettling about being alone with Allen. It isn’t even because there is evil lurking in his mind. Though he suspects that’s part of the reason.

The Beansprout’s personality used to get under his skin but at least he stood up for himself. Now he was a shell of fake smiles and hallow laughs. _When the hell did he become so damn pathetic?_

“Can you stop staring at me? I’m not the Fourteenth.” Allen is looking at him with those eyes of his, twin pools of silver.

“Tch. I’m not staring at you.” Kanda replies.

“Except that you are.” He says in frustration. His voice is deeper now. Deeper than it had been when they first met.

“Don’t flatter yourself, Beansprout. As if I’d be staring at you.”

“And yet, you have been.” Allen pulls the blanket over his stretched out legs. His gaze drifts to the ceiling as if he’s deep in thought. “You’ve barely said a word to me since you and Johnny came here months ago, yet you’re always watching me.”

It was true, the Beansprout and he barely spoke in the almost half-year they had been traveling together. It wasn’t that he didn’t want to. No. It’s just that he couldn’t. Kanda was never big on conversation, let alone thanking someone. But the thing about Allen wasn’t that he just owed him a 'thank you,’ he owed him his life.

Allen had thrown away his entire life just so he and Alma could have their final moments of peace and yet he asked for nothing in return. He was the only person who would have gone that far for Kanda’s sake and they weren’t even close.

Kanda opens his mouth to say those two words he’d been itching to say for months. _Thank You._ He knows he must have looked conflicted because Allen’s frown transforms into a confused expression.

The words are on the tip of his tongue and yet he can’t say them. Kanda lets his usual mask settle back into place.

“Shut up, Moyashi.”

Walker swears under his breath and turns away from him.

Kanda lays out on the couch and stares at the ceiling. His long legs hang over the arm of couch. Several thoughts are swirling in his mind. He curses himself for not being able to speak his thoughts. For not being able to say those two damn words.

The truth is he really enjoys being around the Beansprout and Johnny. It feels similar to the way it was when he was with Alma. Just like with Alma, Kanda wants to… protect Allen and Johnny even if it means going against a so-called God and risk becoming a fallen one.

The sound of the rustling sheets and a creaking mattress pull him away from his thoughts. Allen is sitting up and staring at him with an expression he hasn’t seen in a long time. His eyes are full of determination.

Allen clears his throat, “Thank you, Kanda.”

The words catch him off guard and he is sure he must have been wearing a stupid expression. _Why? How…?_

How is it that Allen can so easily express what is on his mind despite the demon that had been messing around in his brain? Yet, it has been over a year since Allen _saved_ him and he can’t fucking say those two simple words.

“For what?”

Kanda’s expression hardens once again. It was always so easy for him to wear a mask of indifference, of annoyance, of anger. It kept people away but for the first time in his life again, he doesn’t want to keep certain people away. Yet he can’t stop wearing this damned mask.

“For being here. I almost gave in but…” Allen trails off, looking like the child he was when they first met.

“You should be saying this to Johnny.”

“I have. But I know you don’t have to be here either.”

He remains silent. He can’t say what he desperately wants to say. He stares at Allen intently but the younger doesn’t back down. He looks determined as he used to, like when they first met. It makes Kanda feel strange. A warmth spreads across his chest. One he vaguely remembers feeling only once before in this life.

“I know it must not be easy for you to be stuck with me. So thank you for staying around…you being here really helped me.”

Allen’s words echo in his mind. They are the same words, he had thought of saying to Allen many times before. For some reason he feels defenseless against those words. Vulnerable, even. It is almost as if Allen had read his mind and picked out those exact words to stir him. Which they do. Kanda feels like he is struck hard and the wind is knocked out of his chest. He clenches his jaw tightly. He hopes the movement goes unnoticed by Allen, but he doesn’t think so.

“Tch.” Kanda spits but Allen is still wearing a small smile on his face. It is the first genuine smile he has worn in a long time but what is more surprising is it is directed at _him._ “Idiot.” Kanda says then he turns over on the compact couch away from Allen.

It is easy to push him away and never say what he’s been meaning to say. In this moment he hates himself. He hates he can never just say what is on his mind. He closes his eyes and lets out a long drawn out breath. Allen’s words replay in his mind in a loop and Kanda feels a small stupid smile spread on his face.

_I’m the one who should be thanking you._

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> If anyone would be interested in helping me beta please let me know. You can also find this story on asterilotos @ tumblr.~


	2. Chapter 2

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> The first chapter I posted on tumblr last week and here is this week's chapter. I'm going to try to update this once a week. I already have the third chapter written and am planning the fourth. 
> 
> Again, no beta, so sorry for any mistakes.

_He is lying on a soft bed of grass under a summer sky. The sun’s vibrant rays are shining so brilliantly, he can feel the heat warm his skin._

_His arms are stretched toward the expansive sky. He doesn’t know what he’s reaching towards, but if he reaches far enough then maybe it will become something tangible._

_To another set of eyes, the particular scene could be thought as beautiful, picturesque, and yet it makes him feel incredibly sick._

_Feeling light-headed, he grabs his head and groans as the sharp pain slices like a knife through butter. The brightness has become too much to handle and his eyes strain to remain open._

_In the distance he hears a child giggling. It isn’t long before said child is hovering over him with large bright eyes that peer into his own.“_

_What are you doing there?” The young child questions, his expression is all curiosity and delight._

_“I…I don’t know.” He replies, though he is surprised by his own voice. Is he also a child? He doesn’t remember anything about himself but he is sure he is in a place he does not belong._

_Once reaching toward the distant sky, his hands now reach for the boy’s outstretched hand. The child’s small fingers wrap around his own and he helps him stand. Closer now, he studies the boy’s features. Long tamed black hair frames the boy’s chubby pale face – He knows this face. The boy's hair is unlike his own messy brown hair that has grown much too long from his years of neglect. He isn’t sure how old he is, but he assumes they are the same age._ He knows this boy. _He doesn’t know how but he does._

_“I haven’t seen you around here before! My name is Mana.” A large grin stretches across the boy’s face. “What’s your name?”_

_His name?_

_“Allen.” He responds instinctively. Though he’s not sure why he says that particular name. All he knows is that it was his. That someone very special gave it to him. It was his name and yet it was not._

_The kid, Mana, makes an ‘o’ shape with his mouth as if he is in complete disbelief. “That’s a cool name!” He shouts, much too excited for something so minor._

_Before he can finish giving his thanks, Mana grabs his hand and pulls them both into a sprint. They run for minutes before they come upon a garden, much more beautiful than the field he was in moments earlier. Mana pulls him to the ground where they lay side by side, their hands entwine. Allen watches the strange child chuckle merrily and he’s not sure why but he begins to laugh himself.  
_

_He laughs so incredibly hard that his sides start to hurt but he doesn’t care. For the first time in his life, he takes comfort in the fact that he isn’t alone._

_“Why did we run?” Allen inquires once they manage to catch their breaths._

_“Ms. Katerina won’t allow us to hang out with the neighbor kids.” Mana states in a manner as if he is sharing common knowledge._

_Us?_

_“Mana, what are you doing out here?” Someone asks. Allen turns his head toward the direction the voice comes from. There is a boy who, except for his short hair, looks so much like Mana. The child catches sight of him and narrows his eyes. He walks closer though his movements say he’s acting with caution._

_Mana grabs his hand suddenly and pulls them to their feet. The movement was so quick he feels light-headed again. “This is my new friend, Allen.” His grip tightens on Mana’s, his instincts again are screaming at him, to not let go. “This is my twin brother, Nea!”_

_Nea, however, ignores their introduction._

_“Ms. Katerina is looking for you.” Nea informs his brother. “You should return to the mansion before she gets more angry.”_

_“Eep!” Mana squeaks with exaggerated fear. The dark-headed child lets go of his hand and Allen immediately feels the loss of his soothing warmth. How long has it been since he has felt human touch?_

_“Allen,” Mana voices quietly, a tiny smile on his face. “That time I laughed with you. I felt it too.”  
_

_He doesn’t say anything further but there’s something about those words that thrusts painfully though his chest._

_Allen reaches for the boy again, to hold onto that warmth once more, but his hand swipes through the empty air. Mana is already gone._

_Panicking, Allen tries to run anywhere just to find him again._ What did he mean? _His head turns turn in every direction, his eyes frantically scan the perimeter. Searching for that boy. Searching for the man in clown make-up._

_His chaotic thoughts are broken, when a hand clasps around his wrist. He turns around to find Nea staring at him. He’s a man now, they both are but Nea is taller than him, broader than him. There’s a small smile on his face but it doesn’t comfort him the way Mana’s had. Allen realizes he doesn’t like Nea’s smile._

_“Where’s Mana?” The question is spoken near silently._

_“Allen,” Nea leans in close, lowering his voice as if there are spectators nearby. As if this is the world’s biggest secret, “He’s not lost forever. I can take you to him.”_

_Allen knows, somehow, that following Nea is a bad idea. He thinks that maybe his parting from Mana should have been final and another part of him tells him their meeting never truly began._

He decides that against all risks that he will go wherever Nea takes him because there’s this burning need to see Mana again. He needs to know what all this, whatever this is, means. Allen follows after the tall man, studying his back and broad shoulders as he follows from a short distance. He’s confident and proud. But more than anything, he’s sinister.

Eventually they reach the end of the bluff he didn’t know they were standing on. He gasps at the vast sea several kilometers below. It stretches out as far as the eye can see. Nea points eastward toward a small island that stands out stark against the blue, a white lighthouse stands alone.

_“There. Mana is there.” Nea says.  
_

_Allen swallows the bile rising up his throat then looks down at his own hands, one is normal and the other is ugly, red, and disfigured. The sight pains him for some reason and there is nothing on his hands but he can smell the strong iron of blood._

_“He’s not who you think he is, you know.” Nea frowns momentarily before another grin returns on his handsome face. “Don’t worry, it won’t be much longer.” Allen isn’t sure why the statement makes him feel uneasy but he knows that whatever it means, it is a promise. 'Run’ His conscious is demanding, but his legs feel heavy and he can’t move._

_Before he realizes it, Nea twists his fists into his shirt and pushes him over the edge of the bluff. Allen falls toward the dark sea below. He wants to scream but he can’t seem to find his voice. Once more, he reaches for that powder blue sky, trying to grab a hold of it so he can grab onto something and keep him from falling any further.  
_

_All he feels as he falls is the harsh lashes of the cold winds that whip his face._

_He crashes into the water below with so much impact the air gets knocked out of his lungs.  
_

_Allen tries to swim to the surface, he needs to catch his breath, but like an anchor he continues to sink further into the darkening abyss. Again, he tries to escape but the salty water burns his eyes and he can no longer see. Desperate now, he thrashes skyward, but the water is never ending and the surface is nowhere in reach._

_He wants to cry for help. He wants to feel the warmth of human touch again but he think that maybe it's a pointless wish.  
_

 

* * *

Light floods his vision. It is so blindly bright that it hurts.

_Where was he?_

_Who was he?_

A weight is pinning his arms down and there is a blurry silhouette above him. The person is calling for him but he can’t fully understand or stop the salty tears that are rolling down his cheeks. He squints to focus on the person above him. It is a man who looks familiar, yet he can’t remember who he is. His dark hair is tied in a high ponytail; two long strands hang alongside his bangs.

His fingers twitch to touch the stranger’s face just to confirm if he is real. It reminds him of how he once reached toward the sky except when his hand curls around the man’s face, he realizes this man is very much tangible. The dark-haired man flinches at the contact but allows his curious hand to rest on his cheek. He feels so warm and Allen closes his eyes briefly, relishing the feeling of human contact.

The man’s countenance remains stern, yet there is a small hint of concern on his face. The stranger doesn’t speak any further but is searching his eyes as if he is trying to determine something.

_Is this man concerned for me?_

Gingerly, Allen brushes his thumb across the soft skin of the man’s cheek.

“Moyashi, What the fuck!” The man growls and smacks his hand away.

_Moyashi._

The foreign word triggers something in his mind and a flood of memories return to him. He is Allen Walker, a former exorcist of the Black Order. He is on the run for treason. There is a Noah who has taken residence in his brain and is waiting for the moment to take over his body. The man above him is Kanda, someone who he could never define as a friend or a foe. And yet, just a second ago he desperately reached for Kanda _the whole action feeling much more personal than friend or foe…and Kanda let him!_

Allen scoots away so quickly he rams his back into headboard where it slams loudly against the wall. It’s as if the mere sight of Kanda has burned him. The only thing that does burn is his face from embarrassment.

“Idiot! W-Why-Why- _Why_ were you watching me sleep?” He yells loudly in attempt to sound angry but he is so embarrassed he can’t seem to do so.

“Dumbass, you were thrashing in your sleep.” The exorcist explains. “I thought the Fourteenth was taking over.” The Fourteenth. _Nea._ The images of the dream spin in his mind, never ending flashes from that dream make his chest ache. He grips his forehead. _If it was a dream then why did it feel so real?_

“Oi…” Kanda vocalizes cautiously, the sudden sound almost scares him. Then it dawns on him that Kanda is here and he isn’t alone and for some reason the fact comforts him. Unlike Lenalee or Lavi and the others, Kanda doesn’t care and he’s not going to try to comfort him. He just doesn’t want to think about Nea or Mana anymore and he’s sure the older man won’t question him.

Allen sighs.

“Don’t do that again. It was creepy waking up to your stupid face…” He mumbles, rubbing his eyes. For some reason, they sting.

It’s been a few nights since he thanked Kanda for staying. He wasn’t sure what came over him, but it was something he had wanted to say for a while. Allen knows Kanda doesn’t have to be here, but he suspects the situation with Alma has something to do with the reason why he’s remained but part of him thinks there’s more to it that he doesn’t quite understand. Does Kanda actually pity him? Does he feel guilty? Allen really hopes he doesn’t, if he does. If anyone should feel guilt it’s him. He couldn’t save Alma from his end.

“Tch. Imagine how I felt when you were caressing my face.” The older of the two quips as his face twists into a scowl. Allen’s eyes widen and his face becomes flushed again from embarrassment.

“Shut up!” Instinctively, he reaches for a pillow and smacks an unsuspecting Kanda in the face with it.

“Stupid Beansprout! I’m going to make you pay for that!” The dark-haired man’s face contorts with irritation. They’re back to their tussle again, throwing their fists and insults back and forth. Kanda charges forward and pins him to the mattress, his hands hold onto Allen’s arms and his knees dig into his thighs. Allen stares up at the man, trying to wriggle out of his hold.

“Not so tough now, eh, Moyashi?” Kanda sneers.

Suddenly, Allen realizes just how physically close they are, their faces are only a few centimeters away from each other and he feel’s Kanda’s warm breath, smelling of some minty toothpaste they’d bought on their travels. Allen turns his head to the side because he’s not able to meet the darker haired man’s cobalt gaze any longer. He knows Kanda would kill him if he apologized again, but he still feels terrible about what happened to Alma. Neither of them deserved to suffer the way they did. He still wonders about Kanda’s exact motive to be here but he's afraid to know the truth for some reason.

If he was the same person he was when he joined the Order, he'd try to understand Kanda's brain. But he's not that Allen anymore. He's a vessel for a Noah. One that everyone seems to value over him.

“Get off, dick.” He seethes.

“Weak.” The older man responds, but he doesn’t move. While Allen can’t see Kanda’s expression, he can feel the confusion practically radiating off of him.

 _Where the hell is Johnny?_ If the bespectacled man had been there he could have avoided this awkward situation.

As if on cue, the door swings open and Johnny walks in.

“I brought food-” The scientist stops in his tracks and drops the bags of groceries he was holding. For a moment, Allen wonders just what has startles his friend, until he remembers... He knows what this must look like. His face flushes. Kanda is on top of him, pinning him into the mattress.

“I’m sorry!” Johnny squeaks frantically shaking his head back and fourth as if he’s shaking the images out of his head.

“You’re sorry?” Kanda echoes unaware of what is going on.

 _Go figure_ , Allen thinks. He squirms out the man’s grip and shoves him off, making him fall hard on the ground. Surprisingly, he remains there, though true to his nature Kanda insults him and kicks him in the shin. Allen thinks that even though he isn’t acting like it, Kanda might actually be a little embarrassed himself.

“This idiot wanted to spar!” Allen fakes a laugh, it's easier than explaining the situation. It’s bad enough Johnny found Kanda on top of him but it would be worse if Johnny knew they ended up that way because he stroked Kanda’s face! …But it would be even worse if they both knew that Nea visited him in his dreams again and if it hadn’t been for Kanda...

Nea almost took over…again.

Johnny laughs. “You two need to be careful. Don’t want to hurt yourselves.”

“Yeah, of course!” Allen rushes to his side and helps the scientist pick up the rolls of bread he dropped onto the floor.

“Ugh, you two are annoying. Let’s just eat.” Kanda interrupts. For once, he is grateful for the man’s terrible temper because he is about to die from embarrassment. “And by eat, I don’t mean that garbage you just dropped on the floor!”

 

* * *

How they ended up at a bar in the red light district, Kanda doesn’t know. He was eating delicious soba at some Japanese restaurant that they miraculously found in the city. Then, Johnny decided they should celebrate their 'strengthening friendship’ by drinking at a bar. Kanda refused but then the Beansprout and Johnny had started to leave _without him!_ He couldn’t let them go on their own because the idiots would probably have found a way towards trouble.

Now, here he was a quarter way through a mug of beer wondering how the hell he ended living his life according to those two morons.

The bar is grand and full of patrons to the brim; it isn’t a typical establishment. There are plush red couches, each with their own table. Kanda thinks the couches are a ridiculous addition to have in a bar. It’s a place to get intoxicated where drunkards are clumsy and will spill their drinks on the upholstery.

It doesn’t come as a surprise to him that a quickly intoxicated Johnny stumbles to sit on those ugly things and remarks _‘how pretty!’_ they are. But that wasn’t the worst part of the place. There are waitresses who serve drinks and their accompaniment to their patrons. Not to mention they do it very little clothing. Having a surprising love for women, it really is no wonder why Johnny picked the place.

The scientist is wedged between two women on a couch while he and Moyashi sit on one across from him. From his peripheral vision, he notices Allen seems to sit out of place, much more quiet than he has been in days. Even though he’s physically there, he can tell that his mind is not. Considering his apprenticeship with Cross, he figures Allen is unaffected by places like this. But he wonders if there’s something more.

With Johnny occupied, it’s basically just two of them alone again. It’s been days since Allen thanked him yet he still hasn’t managed to have a proper chat with the Beansprout. He knows this is his chance to say something, but as always the words remain at the tip of his tongue, stubbornly refusing to move past his lips.

His thoughts return to that morning. Seeing the teen writhing violently in his sleep made him feel an indefinable twinge in his stomach. He was sure that the Fourteenth was taking over. He could see it in the way his skin darkened and his white tresses were beginning to curl. He knows the tears that fell from his eyes were definitely Allen’s. He was close again to losing his battle to Nea but how did he win this time? Will he win next time? It’s still a mystery how close to the edge the teen is from giving in, but as time goes on Kanda finds it is becoming much more difficult to reach for mugen.

He would be lying if he said he wasn’t relieved when the idiot came back to his senses. There’s still so much left unsaid between the two of them and he hasn’t even begun to change that.

Kanda takes a swig of his beer unable to let these thoughts keep whirling in his mind. He glances over at Allen and sees him shuffling that same deck of cards Johnny had gotten for him.

The younger man senses he’s being stared at and his curious eyes turn to meet his. Kanda’s about to force some words out from the steel grip of his teeth but before he can say anything, a server practically tackles the Moyashi.

“Hello, Sweetheart!” She shouts much too loudly, her breasts are practically suffocating the teen but he makes no move to push her off. Finally she peels herself off of him. Her hands rub up and down the Allen’s chest and he blushes uncontrollably. “Would you like any refreshments?” She asks but he declines.

She doesn’t leave. Instead she continues to talk to him, playing with the strands of his white hair and what is worse is that he is humoring her! She laughs at his remarks about Johnny being smothered by women and drowning in beer. She giggles at whatever other stupid thing he says. Who knew he had it in him? Of course, that only makes her come onto him even stronger.

It annoys Kanda. Couldn’t she see they were going to have a conversation?

But Kanda is trying to be patient because last time he told a noisy waiter to ‘shut up,’ Lenalee elbowed him in the gut. So he actually waits for this woman to stop talking because if he tells her to 'fuck off,’ the Beansprout and Johnny will make a huge deal about it and give him some lecture on how to treat people better…again. Maybe it’s the drink that’s at work but he’s still determined to suck it up and talk to the damned kid.

So he waits.

And waits.

And waits.

He’s not sure how much time has gone by but he’s already halfway through another mug before he’s noticed Walker has scooted closer to him. Their thighs are touching, shoulders barely brushing. As if Allen can sense his confusion, he mutters something but it’s too entirely quick for him to understand. Why is Moyashi so damn fidgety? He looks over to his right and sees exactly why. The young server who has been chatting with Allen all this time had definitely gotten passed the point of talking. She crawls toward him with her very gracious chest mostly exposed. Her hand that rests on his thigh traces small circles before it trails up and up…

Allen squeaks and practically jumps in his lap, spilling the remainder of Kanda’s drink all over him.

“Fuck!” Kanda growls. The alcohol spills on his crotch and its goddamned cold. He jumps to his feet to dump the pool of beer that hasn’t been absorbed by his coat yet on the floor. “Idiot, what are you doing!”

“Kanda, I’m sorry,” Allen throws napkins at him haphazardly. “It’s just that she-”

“Oh, honey, I’m sorry!” The server who was groping Allen says, before she crawls over towards him to try and dry him off. Her hands nearly fondle him just the way she did to the idiot Beansprout and he smacks them away.

“Fuck off!” He yells harshly. The woman practically shrinks under his glare and scampers off. He snatches the remaining napkins from Allen and tries to dry his damn crotch off. He’s had enough of this place now. Forget trying to talk to the idiot, he’s going to go back to their motel. Had it not been for the drinks in his system, he would have ripped one of these ugly red couches in half.

“I thought you were used to this shit.” He mutters, still drying his pants.

“I’m used to it happening to Cross, not me!” Allen huffs and stands up to his full height, if that could be called full height. He’s still shorter than Kanda. Still a Beansprout.

“Whatever. Let’s just get out of here.”

“Uh, Kanda…”

“What?” He demands, but his question is answered when he looks at what Allen is pointing towards. Neither Johnny nor the women he was with are there anymore. “Where the hell did he go?”

The teen shrugs and starts walking in the opposite direction, but Kanda quickly grabs him by the arm and drags him through the crowd. If he doesn’t keep him close, the stupid kid would probably get lost in the place and end up getting fondled by other drunken people.

 _How could I have not noticed Johnny left?_ He was so wrapped up in waiting for the server to leave so he can have this awaited conversation with Moyashi that he had forgotten all about Johnny. He curses under his breath. He was so careless. Being with the two of them was like watching stupid kids and he hates kids. He tries to think back to that night and when the last time they saw Johnny was.

They had searched the entirety of the bar twice with no luck. Johnny was gone.

“I think that was one of the women that was with him earlier,” Allen points toward a woman with cropped blonde hair and is taller than Allen. Kanda begins to walk toward her but Allen stops him, giving him an almost disbelieving look. “Uh…It’s better if I talk to her.”

“Yeah, whatever.”

From afar, he watches as Walker approaches the woman with his disgusting fake smile. They chat momentarily before the teen’s face blanches and he runs for the exit. Kanda follows after him, bumping into a few drunkards on his way out. They run to the alley between the bar and some other building. It is mostly dark except for the single lamp on the wall, eerily illuminating the small space. Under the light, they see a figure on the ground clutching at his sides.

“Johnny!” Allen exclaims, running for the man who, except for his glasses and striped blue and white boxers, is very much naked. He lifts the man into a seated position and lightly pats his face to wake him up. A trickle of blood drips down his face. Johnny finally opens his eyes, though it’s half-lidded and not quite focused.

“Allen! What you doin’ here!” Johnny shouts excitedly then looks up at him and points. “Wow and Kanda too!”

“What the hell happened, Moyashi?”

“It’s Allen.” The silver haired teen corrects for the first time that day. “And that woman inside said he gambled with some people in there. He obviously lost everything.”

“Why would they strip him naked and throw him back here?” His face twists into disgust but it’s just a mask. It irritates him that he didn’t know some morons decided to attack Johnny. This was his fault. Just like awakening the Fourteenth. He keeps making bad decisions. Keeps ruining people’s lives. Alma, Allen’s, now Johnny’s. He clenches his fists.

“They kicked him out for not having clothes.”

“Because those weirdos took his clothes.”

I know, Kanda.“ Allen says dryly.

"Whatever. Let’s just go kick their asses and get his clothes back.”

“We can’t.”

“Why the hell not?”

“That woman said they ran out when Johnny mentioned his friends had weapons.”

“So, what do we do?” He questions, leaning against the cold brick wall.

Allen doesn’t respond to him, instead he is saying comforting words to Johnny and soothingly stroking his hair. It kind of surprises Kanda how different Allen acts toward he and Johnny. He is much more gentle as opposed to his brash roughness when they’re together. Allen really loves having Johnny around. Really enjoys the older man’s company. Really loves him…

Kanda looks away from the scene for some reason it’s hard to watch.

Maybe he’s misjudged Allen Walker, he really knows nothing about him or the way his mind works. He knows nothing.

“Hey, give me your coat.” Allen says suddenly.

“Hell no!” He glares daggers at him but the kid just walks over to him and stares at him challengingly. He’s much more serious than he was earlier, the incident with Johnny angers him and he’s taking it out on him.

“We can’t bring him back to the motel like this!” The younger man is practically in his face ready to fight him for his coat.

“Give him your clothes then!”

Allen looks down at his clothes and unlike him, the idiot opted out of wearing his winter coat. Instead, he’s only wearing a white button up shirt and brown slacks. With how slender he is, it’s a wonder how he didn’t freeze to death.

“Then I’ll be the naked one, you freak!”

Kanda grumbles under his breath and takes his coat off. He makes sure to throw it extra hard at the Beansprout and it earns him a curse in response. The younger man doesn’t make too much of a big deal out of it because he’s already at the bespectacled man’s side, helping him into the coat. Allen looks back up to him with some smugness. Kanda wants to punch the expression off his face.

“That wasn’t so hard now, was it?”

“Yeah, yeah, fucking Moyashi. Let’s just go before I leave both of you behind.” He says walking away from two of them.

Walker, with a very drunk Johnny hanging off one his shoulders, trudges toward him. He practically drops the man but grabs him before he falls to the ground.

“A little help here?”

Kanda groans and swings Johnny’s other arm around his shoulder. Johnny holds onto both of them for support but still stumbles in between them as they walk.

“Y-You… guys are my betht friendth!” the older man sings happily. Kanda nearly gags at the strong scent of alcohol the man breathes out.

They stumble back to the motel, earning strange looks from other people roaming the city that night. It’s colder than it was earlier and he’s grumbling under his breath because his damn crotch is cold from the beer the idiot spilled on him and Johnny is still singing terribly.

“I think Kanda peed because the coat crotch is wet!” Johnny says leaning in towards, Allen attempting to whisper but he’s practically shouting. The white haired man laughs.

“I did not piss myself!” He shouts. “And why the hell are you laughing, Beansprout. You’re the one who spilled it trying to sit on my goddamn lap!”

Allen’s laugh dies down.

“In your dreams, idiot Kanda.”

He stretches his leg around Johnny and kicks Allen in the shin. His movement throws them all off balance and they stumble to the concrete ground. Their legs are a tangled mess and Johnny’s face has planted in the ground.

“Fuck!”

“Good job, moron.” Allen says and pushes him off. They both immediately help up Johnny who looks dumbstruck but then starts laughing uncontrollably. Allen looks at him as if he’s confused by Johnny’s reaction, but the teen ends up losing it just like Johnny. He’s not an idiot like the two of them so he doesn’t join them in their madness, but…he does find himself smiling.

Maybe the night wasn’t _so_ terrible.

The way back to the motel was quiet once Johnny passed out. Kanda decided that perhaps a drunken Johnny hanging off their shoulders was not a good time to have a proper conversation with Walker. Once they return to their room, they dump the bespectacled man on the bed. He helps Allen dress Johnny in his pajamas. Kanda then leaves to shower and wash the damn beer off of him.

He sits in the shower for a few minutes, let’s the hot water wash over his body that reeks of alcohol.

There is something that has been bothering him all night. His purpose for tagging along with Moyashi and Johnny is to kill the Fourteenth. Yet, this night he went out with the two of them and actually, slightly, partially enjoyed himself. And throughout that night he hadn’t thought about the Fourteenth, or the Noah, or the Order. He hadn’t thought about them at all that he even let Johnny wander off. And for once Kanda realizes that he’s scared. He’s not supposed to enjoy this time with the Beansprout or Johnny. Yet here he was… wondering what life would be like without the whole world searching for them.

The hot water soothes his tired muscles. He doesn’t want to think about any of this anymore but so much already has changed. He can’t enjoy their company because getting close to people is disastrous. Gaining something always means you can lose it.

Minutes later, he returns to the room and finds Allen on the floor fiddling with his cursed hand. They don’t exchange any words or glances, which he is glad for. He’s actually tired from the night and the last thing he wants to do is address things that have been left unsaid.

People think Kanda is stupid and that he is oblivious to other people’s feelings. He knows he’s smarter than he lets on. So, he can’t help but mull over the memory of Allen’s hand reaching toward him. _Why did it feel so ominous?_

Johnny said Allen mentions his dreams sometimes, but never elaborates on what exactly happens in those dreams. He knows they're enough to haunt him when he's awake. He is always fighting a battle, even in a state of unconsciousness.

Kanda wishes he could go into the Beansprout’s brain and kick Nea’s annoying ass himself. Instead he’s stuck on the outside, always standing on this line of ‘do or don’t.’ Do kill Nea. Don’t kill Allen.

  
But he’s sure he can’t do one without the other.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thank you so much for the Kudos on the first chapter! I wasn't sure anyone was going to read! Thank you.
> 
> ~


	3. Chapter 3

“Don’t you think it odd, Howard?” Malcolm Lvellie says as he dumps several cubes of sugar into his tea. The crystal cubes dissolve slowly into the hot liquid. “Yu Kanda returned to the Order, became a General and has been appointed to find and detain Allen Walker. Yet, it has been three months and he has not done such. On the other hand, you found Walker’s location only in two weeks. So, Yu Kanda is either the Order’s most incompetent General or he is hiding something.”  
  
“Well,” Link thinks of his next words carefully. He knows that Kanda is helping both Allen and Johnny and has been for the past few months. While he doesn’t particularly care for Kanda, he hasn’t informed the Order of his treasonous acts. Walker needs protection and as irritating and rude as the Japanese man is, he serves as a guardian for Allen.

The thing is, Link really likes Allen. There is something special about the young man and despite Nea fighting to take over, he is sure that this isn’t the end for him. He has faith that the teen is the key to end all this nonsense of exorcists and demons and innocence, all of it. It was why he was intrigued in his assignment to supervise him over a year ago. Over time it became more than that though. Now, he realizes that Allen is a friend that he deeply cares for. It’s something he never imagined he would find in someone who was so cursed and wound up in the world of demons and Noah.

But Allen is different than most he’s met. He always puts others before himself. He always sees the good in those around him. He’d die before letting anyone, friend or foe, human or demon, suffer.

He was good. Way too good for the Black Order who did nothing but squeeze him dry until he couldn’t offer them anything else. And he’ll be damned if his friend is sent to his death over this war that only he can win.

Link isn’t sure if his superior actually suspects something or if he truly does think Kanda is incapable. But he can’t let the man even form an idea that he might know what the newly appointed General is up to, not if that puts Walker and Gill in danger. So he treads carefully.

“According to his files, it doesn’t seem that he is the brightest…”

“He’s an imbecile.” Lvellie stirs the sugar cubes, still trying to dissolve them in the amber liquid. “I’ll never truly understand the motives behind giving him a promotion after his treasonous acts.”

“Perhaps the Generals value his strength.”

Malcolm holds up a hand to stop him from talking any further. “He may have brawn but he definitely has no brain.”

The man takes a sip of his overly sweetened tea. His face twists in distaste. Perhaps it was not sweet enough because he adds more cubes of sugar. “…It’s why he hasn’t quite figured out that the higher ups are looking into him.”

“Sir?” Link questions. _That does not sound good._

“Now I don’t know what’s really going on but I’ve heard some things, if you will.” Lvellie leans forward, his head rests in one hand and he lowers his voice. “Tell me this, Howard, do you really think the higher ups would give their lab rat such power without reason?”

Link opens his mouth to say something but can’t seem to say anything. Was Lvellie just assuming or was the order truly experimenting on Kanda in some other way now? He wants to press on but he knows he can’t. His words are his only protection from Malcolm Lvellie and he can’t risk anything. He would pay Kanda a visit later anyway; he needed to let him know.

“Whatever the case, that is not why I called you here today.” The older man says. “Do you have any updates from your most recent assignment?”

Link inwardly sighs. He is expressionless but in his mind, his thoughts run in zigzagged laps.

Lvellie has ordered him to lend the Fourteenth his assistance. For what, he doesn’t know. Whatever it may be, it means Lvellie has no intention of saving Allen even though there is a glimmer of hope he can beat Nea. It sickens him how this wily old man can just dispose of the teen so easily. It sickens him even more that Lvellie wants him to speed up Allen’s transformation into the Fourteenth. And he just hates that he doesn’t understand any of it.

Truthfully, he’s afraid to know what the man’s intentions are. If he asks questions it means he dies. It’s as simple as that. But he can’t die, not when Allen still needs him.

Regardless of there being hope to save Allen, that doesn’t matter to Malcolm Lvellie, of course. If the man wants him to help Nea, it’s clear his intentions are not known to the Order. There’s something else to it but he hasn’t figured it out. But if this is his own mission, then he thinks it’s possible that he can stop the man.

Lvellie takes another sip of tea and smiles contentedly. It’s finally the right amount of sweetness. Link wonders if Lvellie loves the tastes of sweets so much because his entire existence is bitter.

“No updates,” He replies.

“Is he any closer?”

 _Closer to becoming Nea, you mean?_ He thinks bitterly.

“Yes…though it appears he continues to struggle.”

“Struggle? How?”

“It seems Johnny Gill is the last thread that holds him together.”

His superior sighs. “A fine scientist that Gill was but he decided chasing Allen Walker was more important than a career. Unbelievable.” The man scoffs. “I tried to avoid this route, Howard. It’s a shame…”

Link feels his stomach tighten slightly. He knows what the man is thinking now.

“I need you to deal with him. Do you understand what I’m saying?”

He swallows thickly. But he knows what he has to do. He has to play pretend.

“Understood, Sir.”

_How can you easily dispose of human lives? Allen now Johnny… and you want me to do it._

Little does Lvellie know is that he plans to do the opposite of what’s he’s ordered of him.

_I won’t let you get rid of Walker._

* * *

  
The tapping of his boots on the cobblestone echoes in the dark alley of the night. It is colder than he could believe possible. It feels like his own blood has frozen and his appendages will turn black with frostbite.

Kanda knows he’s not exaggerating either. Johnny warned him to hurry back because there’s a blizzard that will freeze this little town over night.

He wasn’t made for this cold weather. His face darkens at this thought. _No_ … he was made as a weapon for the Black Order, to kill.

Seeing a shadowy figure in the alley he stops and leans up against the wall of an empty brick building. This town’s district was small and nearly abandoned from the lack of work and from the influx of seedy people who moved in.

Across from him is Link. Leaning on the wall of an equally abandoned building. He can barely make out the other man’s face but he feels the man studying him. Searching for any clue that the Beansprout is unwell. It annoys him that Link fusses about it. It annoys him even more they need to have these secret monthly meetings. Link asked for this so he can check up on the Beansprout and make sure he’s okay. He does it from afar, strangely. Kanda doesn’t know why. He doesn’t care so he doesn’t ask.

Link’s low voice pulls him out of his thoughts. “This is quite an…unsavory neighborhood. Not sure what you’re thinking being here.”

Kanda rolls his eyes. _Figures._

“Would you like me to check into a nice suite? One with a deep tub, expensive meals, and plenty of security guards and civilians?” He bites in annoyance.

He knows what he’s doing. However, Link always complains about the locations he brings Allen to. He never seems to quite get over it, thinking Kanda is trying to corrupt him or some shit. He wants to scare Link with mugen but he knows the man would be unfazed by the empty threat.

The man sighs and doesn’t make any further remarks about the location. “I spoke with Lvellie this morning.”

“And?”

The blonde man breathes out slowly.

“You’re going to need to be careful…”

He says nothing, just waits for the man to continue. Normally Kanda would curse at him or make some smart-ass remark but his words seem heavy, somehow.

“The Black Order…” He says but then he stops. “You will need to make sure you have your monthly check-ups. It seems they’re expecting you.”

“I fucking know that. I was leaving later this week for that.”

Link nods absentmindedly. “Good.”

But there’s something strange about this. Why would Link say this to him at all? His mind was nagging at him, there’s something else to this. But he doesn’t inquire further. He doesn’t want the man think he needs his assistance.

But he still wonders.

“Is that what this meeting is about? For you to play Doctor, two moles?”

“Obviously not,” He sighs.

“Then what? Are you hiding something?”

“I’m not-” He can barely finish his sentence before Kanda launches across the small space of the alley and fists his hand into Link’s coat. He shoves him hard against the wall his back crashes against the hard brick. He hears a gasp choke out of the man’s mouth as the breath gets knocked out of his lungs.

“Don’t fuck with me, Link!”

There’s a long silence as the blonde tries to regain his composure.

“Lower your voice.” The man hisses then shoves him back hard. He smoothes out his coat and stares back at him with a serious expression. Like their slight physical altercation never happened. “They're using you, Kanda. The Generals... And Lvellie wants to dispose… of Johnny.”

“What?” Kanda feels his eyes widen and his mouth gapes. He ignores the part of himself once he hears the part about Johnny. “Because he betrayed the Order?”

“God, Lvellie is right about one thing. You really are an imbecile.” Kanda clicks his tongue at that. “You really think a man like Malcolm Lvellie does the things he does for the Black Order?”

“…And what do you plan to do?” Kanda reaches for the hilt of Mugen, ready to unsheathe the weapon depending on the man’s next words. If this two-mole bastard really thinks he is going to kill Johnny, then Kanda would slice him down before he even moves.

“After all these months of helping, you think I could actually do that? I want to help Walker and Johnny. It’s not just you who wants to help.” Link stares at him hard. If looks could kill then Kanda would be dead ten times over. “If anyone is more suspicious, it’s you, _General_. I never asked you about your intentions and I won’t ask because I know whatever your reasons are, they’re genuine. So I would appreciate if you’d do the same.”

He scoffs at that. It wasn’t his job to feel anything for anyone else. He had people to worry about already he wasn’t going to add Link that list just because he asked.

“I don’t know. You’re Lvellie’s dog.” He replies. He can’t take risks. Not when it comes to…to the Beansprout. He can’t risk anything happening to that cursed idiot. “I can’t risk anything.”

“It looks like we have that in common.”

Kanda runs his hands through his bangs. This whole interaction is awkward. Maybe he didn’t peg Link right though. Maybe he wasn’t so atrocious and annoying as he always believed. It is true that after all these months he’s helped him keep Allen safe. Even spotting him on cash at times and warning him about when the Order was in their vicinity.

He’s grateful that Link hasn’t inquired about his reasons for helping the Beansprout because truthfully he still doesn’t completely understand it himself. He just knows that as time goes on his mission has become more complex and intricately rooted deep into the soil.

 _No._ He thinks to himself. _A lotus flower blooms from the mud…but a lotus flower-_

Link continues, “Either way,” cutting him off from his thoughts, “We have to protect them both. You’re fine here for now. There are people thinking Walker is in Austria or Poland. Plus you won’t be safe here forever and you need to return to the Order for your monthly soon.”

“Hn.”

“Listen, Kanda…” Link says softly, “Know that if anything ever happens to you, Allen will always be safe with me.”

It didn’t matter anyway. The Order, The Noah, The Akuma, Apocryphos, try as they might but they wouldn’t get rid of him. Maybe once in this life he had failed, but he wouldn’t this time. It did not matter what anyone planned he would keep on walking and he’d cut down anyone who got in his way.

Link shoves a thick stack of cash into his hand. “You’ll need to travel again soon and I need to be in Austria and Poland helping a squad look for a Ghost.”

“Right.” He doesn’t protest and shoves the bills in his pocket. “Are we done here? I’m freezing my ass off.”

“Yeah, we’re done. Keep in touch and keep them safe.” The man makes his way to the opposite end of the alley that Kanda came from. He watches as Link’s figure walks closer to the total darkness, the colors his figure are nearly swallowed whole by the black night until Link halts and looks at him over his shoulder.

“Take care of yourself, Kanda. He can’t lose you. I really do believe that right now, you’re the only one who can truly protect him.”

 

* * *

 

Kanda finds his way back to the motel over an hour later. He stopped by some fusion Japanese restaurant for take out. It was getting late and he was sure Moyashi was hungry. Johnny too.

But mostly he lost track of time and his thoughts.

It didn’t help that it’s snowing. The wind blows in his direction and assaults his face with thick, pellet-like snowflakes. The ground is slowly being covered in a white blanket of snow. It’s so incredibly cold, he’s ready to go back to their room and fall asleep. But he still has a ways to walk and if he stays out any longer he doesn’t think he’ll make it back before the ground is covered in several layers of white.

It’s getting worse out here, he knows. The snow soaks into the part where his pants meet his boots, his much too thin coat is becoming just as wet. Kanda feels like he’s frozen down to his marrow and his bones will snap as easily as the ice that crunches under his boots.

When he finally returns to the run down motel, he’s content. For once he doesn’t mind being back in this shit hole. And for a moment he revels in the warmth of their rarely functioning radiator.

Allen and Johnny look relieved when they catch the sight of him leaning against the closed door.

“Thank God you’re alright!” Johnny says standing to help Kanda put the food down and take off his coat.

Kanda has no idea what’s going on he just lets Johnny help him as his eyes lock with the Beansprout’s who is wearing a relieved expression also. Allen doesn’t say anything but he scans him over with attentive eyes like a hawk.

“The hell…” He mumbles to himself but it doesn’t go unheard.

“You left over an hour ago. With the blizzard coming we were worried you might’ve gotten hurt! Go take a warm shower before you catch a cold.” Johnny has tears at the corners of his eyes. It’s strange…how this man worries for him and fusses for him as much as he does Allen. It’s almost what he would assume is parental. Much how Tiedoll might be if he were here right now. Johnny doesn’t see him the way most at the Order do. He doesn’t see him as some tool or some monster or even some pity story.

 Allen smiles as he watches the scene play before him. It’s still a strange sight to see Johnny and Kanda interact. They are nothing but polar opposites yet they get along so well.

Their differences is what make them the perfect balance of keeping him from teetering off the edge. From letting Nea win. They don’t know how close he is to losing it everyday. 'Cause if there is a God out there, he knows he's losing.

Ever since he had that dream, he feels that everything has changed. That dream still replays in his mind and makes him feel he really has no hope in winning this battle. One day this will all come to an end, won't it?

Then there was that Dream Mana who stirred up all these emotions in his breast again. Or was that really Mana that he saw and not just some apparition? This whole time he'd convinced himself that it was Nea playing with his brain or simply his own mind trying to find a reason to make him give up. But the more he thinks about it, the less sure he is. _  
_

He can’t help but _feel_ there was more to it. He seldom ever dreamed dreams these days that had no meaning. That island. That lighthouse. _Mana, are you still here?_

“-Change into fresh clothes. These ones are wet! You’re going to get sick.” The sound of Johnny scolding Kanda catches his attention and he’s so grateful for it.

"I don't get sick!" The dark haired man grumbles but still he pulls out clean clothes from his pack and heads to the bathroom.

Allen smiles to himself. He really is grateful for both of them. But there still isn't a day that goes by where he doesn't miss Timcanpy. Things seem to be getting harder but he is still strong so he hasn't given in.

Absentmindedly, Allen runs his hands through his hair. It’s so much longer, it reaches his shoulders now. He's not used to having it this length but there’s never time to do anything as trivial as cut his hair. Not when there are actual pressing issues to worry about. So instead he just pulls his hair back and constantly brushes his bangs out of his eyes. He doesn’t know how Kanda handles having long hair.

Allen walks over and sits at the tiny rickety table with Johnny to eat the take-out. He’s not surprised to see it's from that Japanese restaurant they stumbled upon the other day. Kanda may have changed in many ways but his love for soba has not.

He and Johnny eat while the older man makes conversation. He talks about the blizzard they heard about over the radio. It seems like they’ll be snowed in. Shops will be closed so the take-out will have to stop for a day or two and they’ll be forced to eat leftovers or some of the canned foods for the time being.

He doesn’t really care. He doesn't have much of an appetite anymore anyway and it’s hard to believe he used to stuff his face as much as he once did. Back when he was still in the Order and didn’t realize the truth about the people he blindly took orders from.

Allen shovels some sticky rice in his mouth and he knows it tastes good but he can’t enjoy it. He can’t enjoy anything these days.

It’s at that moment Kanda emerges from the bathroom. His dark tresses are wet and loose from the usual high ponytail he wears. There’s a white towel draped over his shoulders. He’s wearing a loose gray long sleeved turtleneck and black sweatpants that hug his ankles. It’s so weird to see Kanda look so unlike an exorcist. He looks like a regular everyday person, not a man created by illegal human experimentation to be a weapon owned by an organization that hunt and kill demons.

Not for the first time Allen thinks Kanda is pretty.

In the past he’d thought it before but thought his personality greatly contrasted his physical appearance. Now Allen thinks that maybe…deep down, deep, deep, deep down, Kanda has a personality to match his physical attributes. After all, look at everything he’d been doing for him up until this point.

From the table, Kanda grabs the soup broth and the buckwheat noodles that are separated in plastic containers. He’s very meticulous as he adds the noodles to the broth. He hasn’t said anything. Mostly he looks tired and that much like him, is hiding something. It’s not lost on him that Kanda was out for longer than usual and came back almost somber. Well as somber as Kanda can look while simultaneously looking irritated and grumpy.

Allen has always wondered at times where Kanda goes. He’s not stupid. He’s noticed that every month Kanda wanders off longer than usual to obviously meet up with someone for something. This night, however, seems different…the man seems different. Off somehow. In his Kanda sort of way.

Said man sits on the ground, crossed-legged, next to their small table. His body is angled toward he and Johnny and while his eyes are on his food, it’s clear his mind is somewhere far away.

If Allen is honest, the exorcist still confuses him. Last year he’d complain about having to work with him but now they basically lived together. The man works for him and Johnny, feeds them, clothes them, and keeps them safe. It’s still weird to wrap his mind around sometimes.

He knows Kanda isn’t helping him simply out of the _kindness_ of his heart or because he might have still felt guilt or gratitude for what happened with Alma. Allen never asked his reason why he goes so far to help him. Even if he did, Kanda would never speak up or at best would tell him to shut up or try to physically wrestle him to keep from opening up. But he can’t help but wonder what’s going on in his mind to make him go this far. Why is Kanda going so far for _him?_ He should be free now. He should be away from the Order but especially him. He has nothing to offer Kanda. Nothing at all. Nonetheless, he’s still really grateful to him but he’s worried that one day he won’t be here anymore and when he least suspects it, Nea will slit Kanda's and Johnny's throats in their sleep.

Allen doesn’t know what compels him to speak suddenly, but he does. His instincts tell him he needs to. The only thing is he doesn’t know what to say so he can’t help the mess of words that twist out of his tongue

“Feeling better?”

Kanda’s dark eyes narrow and study him. His eyes are calculating but overall his expression is one of confusion.

“What?”

“You looked freezing when you came in.”

“Hn.” He utters. Then he dips his chopsticks into the plastic container, he carefully picks up his noodles. He looks up at him and says, “It’s fucking cold out there.”

“It’s going to get even more cold!” Johnny practically shouts. “You were walking here just as the blizzard began.” The bespectacled man frowns then looks down at the man's attire. “Kanda, you’re not wearing socks. You’re going to get sick.”

“Ugh, if you keep talking like this while I’m eating, you’ll give me a stomach ulcer.” Kanda sighs.

“Impossible.” Johnny laughs. “Stomach ulcers aren’t caused by stress, they’re caused by a bacteria species called Helicobacter pylori.” Johnny states in a matter of fact tone.

The dark-haired man groans loudly. Allen chuckles and Johnny laughs along with him. Eventually a small smile settles on Kanda's features.

 It’s peaceful. Allen thinks. He wishes it could be like this forever. But he knows one day there will be a time when they’re no longer together.

Not long after their dinner he and Johnny sit on their double bed. Johnny is writing in his journal and Allen just sits there. His eyes wander over to where Kanda lies on that broken, beaten up couch. He feels guilty that the man sleeps on that thing but when he tried to convince him to have the bed or get his own room, Kanda refused. Getting him do something he didn’t want to do was impossible so after arguing for hours, Allen gave up.

But he feels especially guilty tonight. The storm is blowing more and more violently and thick piles of snow layer on the outside window ledge that is divided from the couch only by thin glass. Not to mention their radiator hardly warms up the room and this was one of its good nights!

Allen really hates that he has to rely so much on Kanda and Johnny these days. Regardless if they want to help him, he doesn’t want to rely on anyone.

You see, he’s not used to relying on anyone for anything. But he knows if he wants to survive he needs to accept the fact that he can’t do this alone. But still.

_Still._

He’s not sure how much time has passed since all these thoughts started swirling in his head but Johnny is sleeping now. He deserves to sleep on the bed but so does Kanda. They deserve so much better than what they get but they never fault or guilt him for the situation they’re in. They accept it just as is.

That doesn’t mean he can’t help or take care of them in return. He’s not helpless. He needs to do something for both of them. Maybe he can’t do a lot but still, he’s an autonomous person and he still has some power.

“Kanda.” Allen says quietly. The man doesn’t respond and he thinks maybe he is sleeping but then Kanda peers over his shoulder. His long dark hair hangs like a curtain over his back. From beneath his bangs, his cobalt eyes look soft with emotions that he can't recognize from him.

Allen is so taken aback that he says nothing. He just stares at the man and wonders where the hell he went earlier. What is going on for him to look like that? He feels more helpless than ever. There is so much going on around him and it dawns on him that he doesn't know and it becomes apparent how far Kanda might be going to keep him safe.

He knows nothing.

“What?” Kanda bites out, less sharp than usual.

“K…” He trails off. Suddenly the ability to speak is not one he possesses. “Uh…”

“The hell is wrong with you?” He sits up; his thin blanket slides down his torso. “Did you wake me up just to stare at me, weirdo?”

“I wasn’t staring, jerk. And you weren’t sleeping.” Allen sighs then covers his cursed eye with his equally cursed hand. This shouldn’t be so hard but he knows Kanda is hiding something and he needs to know what. But the man just stares at him with his guarded expression. He doesn’t ask, he knows he can’t. Kanda wouldn’t tell him anyway. But Allen will figure it out. He knows he needs to. His heart and mind tells him that he needs to. But now wasn’t the time.

“Sleep on the bed, I’ll take the couch.”

“This shit again?” The older of the two rolls his eyes. Then lays back on the couch, his long legs hang over the side.

“Yes, this again.”

“Go to sleep, Moyashi.” Kanda lays the back of his forearm across his eyes.

“ _Allen._ ” He stresses. Not because he means to correct him but mostly he wants this all to feel normal. He wants things to be how they used to. He wants to be Allen Walker again not Allen possessed by Nea. Not Allen the former-exorcist who is gaining pity from the most unlikely people.

Kanda says nothing. He just clicks his tongue against his teeth.

Allen doesn’t want to push him but doesn’t want to not do something in return. This is a small thing but it’s still something he can do.

He’s not sure what compels him to speak what's in his heart. He’s not sure if Kanda will even care but he still says it.

“Just let me do something for you for once.” Nervously, he runs his hand through his hair. “It’s a pathetic excuse of a gesture but it’s the only thing I can do.” He laughs bitterly. “Dammit. I hate being helpless.”

Kanda still has his face covered with his forearm, “You act like I give a shit.”

“Do you always have to be such a dick?” He tries to sounds annoyed but mostly it just comes out as dead as he feels most days.

The older man groans and sits up again. He grabs the thin blanket draped over him and the pillow he’s laying his head on. Allen thinks he’s headed to sleep in the bathroom or the hall or even the tiny, smelly kitchen but he walks over to Allen’s side of the mattress. His expression is so terribly serious. But there’s something unusual about it. It’s not that same irritated expression he usually wears. There’s something different.

“Would you shut up if I sleep on the damn bed?”

“Yes.” Allen replies.

“Then fucking scoot over.”

“Uh, wai-“ He can barely finish his sentence before the man shoves him to the middle of the bed but not far enough to disturb Johnny from his slumber.

Kanda lies next to him. His head is on his own pillow and his thin blanket his draped over him. He’s quiet but Allen can feel him shivering. He was hiding being cold this whole time. He hid it well but now it's clear he was freezing next to the window.

Maybe it’s nothing and as pathetic as the gesture may be, he’s glad the man let him do this. He hasn't felt useful for a long time and for once he feels normal again.

Kanda reaches up to the lamp sitting on the night stand next to the bed and turns it off.

It’s pitch black and he should feel cold with the snow blowing in a hard torrent but he feels warm between Johnny and Kanda.

“Moy- _Walker_.” Kanda says in a low voice.

Allen turns to look at him, but the man's back is towards him. Hearing Kanda call him something other than 'Moyashi' or 'Beansprout' is strange but he likes it somehow.

"I have to go back to the Order soon for my monthly."

"I know."

He waits for Kanda to continue but he's silent for a long time. The soft snore of Johnny somehow sounds loud and the ticking of the small clock on the wall seems to echo across the small space.

It feels like hours pass before the man speaks again. "Link is never too far, know that."

"Link?"

Kanda clicks his tongue. "Yeah, two moles."

 _So that must be who Kanda see when he leaves for long periods at a time...This was for_ him. _  
_

Then it hits Allen sharply. "Are you in danger?"

"No." He replies immediately. "But you should know he's around, just in case."

_He's lying._

He doesn't know what else to say. He knows the man well enough that any further inquiring will get him nowhere. So Allen doesn't say anything and does all he can think to do at that moment. He pulls the duvet that he and Johnny are sharing and stretches it far enough to throw the edge of it over Kanda. It's nothing, really, but right now it's only small things like this that he can do.

It's then that Kanda looks at him over his shoulder. He looks like he wants to say something, but he never does.

 

For the first time in a long time, Allen has a dreamless sleep.

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I'm so thrilled a number of you enjoy this story and I really appreciate the time you take to read and 'Kudos' this. Thank you!


	4. Chapter 4

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I cut this chapter short so I can post it since I'm already over a week late from my own weekly deadline. Hopefully, it's still a decent chapter and doesn't end so abruptly. I am working on the next chapter, so I'll try to get that out soon. 
> 
> Also I wanted to take the time out to say thank you to each and everyone of you. I'm amazed with the response of this story and am really grateful you all enjoy this story. Thank you!
> 
> Enjoy~

He’s not sure how much time has gone by, how many weeks or months. _Or has it been years?_

Lavi knows nothing but the cold stone floor pressed hard against his cheek. Locked in a prison cell, with no lights or windows and a bucket as a toilet. His shivering and weakened body is covered with a thin and tattered blanket.

There’s a piece of stale bread and a small plastic cup of water in front of his face. He knows what it means to survive. But he makes no move to reach for it. He’s hasn’t died yet but maybe if he starves himself, maybe if he talks back to _them_ and lets them beat him until his lungs collapse and are no longer pumping air…

His mind is constantly filled with these dark thoughts.

He’s always so close to giving in too. Then he remembers her sweet voice, the color of her eyes and her flowery smell. When his eyes are about to close and he wills his heart to stop beating, he remembers the way his name sounds when her tongue curls, “ _Lavi._ ”

In his own mind he responds, _Lenalee._ _I want to see you again._

Slowly, so much slower than the day before and all the ones before that, he reaches for the bread and water. It feels like an eternity to eat but he manages to somehow. He always does somehow.

 _For her_.

_Always for her._

If he were not trapped in some dingy prison cell (god knows where) with a Noah as his captor, he would laugh at this situation. A long time ago, he was meant to be the next Bookman, a man to write down the present to pass it on to the future. He was not supposed to make friends, was not supposed to have his own identity. He was not supposed to fail his duty before it even began. And he certainly was not supposed to fall in love.

Yet here he was, leaning on the cusp of sanity and insanity, life and death but the only regret he has now is never telling her how he feels.

Maybe she didn’t love him but that didn’t matter. If he could see her again, alive and well, only then could he die happy.

There is a sudden ‘ _clang!’_ on the metal bars of his small cell. A bright light suddenly illuminates the dark space and it sends painful shocks to his lone eye.

Squinting, he looks up and sees the silhouette of a figure standing outside his cell with a lantern in one hand.

How long had it been since his Noah captor had seen him? He’d lost track of space and time, especially after…especially after…

He shakes his head. He doesn’t want to think of that, not again. Never again.

“Young Bookman,” The voice comes out playful and joyous after everything he’d done. Lavi feels he’s about to throw up the bread and water he just consumed. “It’s been a while since I paid you a visit. I hope the guards are treating you well.

He doesn’t say anything. He doesn’t think he physically could even if he wanted to.

“I meant to visit you much sooner, you see. It seems my lovely Road was alright all along! Such a pity I had to behead your master for nothing. Looks like there will be some gap in history for the future.” He chuckles. As if murdering Bookman was a little mistake like losing keys or forgetting something at home.

He feels like crying suddenly yet he can’t even seem to do that.

The Noah sighs. “Fear not, Young Bookman. I am very reasonable. I’ll have my guards see you out.”

Bookman always praised him for his sharp mind, for his perceptiveness. So he knows he’s not wrong for not believing the Noah. There’s a catch. There’s always a catch.

“You… plan… on… letting… me out. Just like that?” He challenges. It’s been a long time since he last spoke, so he’s not surprised how hoarse his voice sounds.

“He speaks,” The Noah chuckles. “Smart like the previous Bookman. I see why he chose you. You’re right; I am not finished with you just yet. But as I said, I am reasonable so after a proper shower and meal, I’ll tell you all about your usefulness to us.”

 

* * *

 

He’d always been an early riser. Even as a young child he’d wake up early, jump on his parents’ bed and wake them up with a bright smile. His father would fluff his curly hair and his mother would pull him into a tight embrace. “Good morning, Johnny!” They’d say and he’d giggle and bid them the same.

His parents loved each other so much, Johnny remembers. They loved him too; so much they worked hard to give him a better life. You see, his parents weren’t born in America like other people’s mothers and fathers. They were born abroad and came to America looking for a better life.

But it’s hard moving from one country to another, hard adjusting to a new life. What his parents didn’t achieve for themselves they worked hard to give him. His father worked three jobs and his mother practically raised him alone. Their small studio apartment was tiny but they made it work. No matter what they’d always make it work because they had each other.

He remembers how proud his parents were when he graduated from Graduate school at the age of 19. A science prodigy, he was younger than most of his peers and all the best science facilities in the nation were inviting him to work for them. But he decided he’s stay put in Brooklyn. He became a professor at NYU and raised enough money to buy his parents a sizable home right next to his in the neighborhoods they’d always walk by when he was a child, peering at those large houses with amazement.

Throughout his life, Johnny never forgot how hard his parents worked for him. How much they lived their lives for him. He never forgot how their smiles never wavered, how they taught him to never give up on the ones he loves. He never has forgotten their lessons or their smiles or their laughs.

He remembers a lot of things. It was a blessing just as much as a curse. He remembers when the Order gave him a job and he took it thinking he’d make a difference in the world. But he didn’t really make a difference, did he? He was on the run now from the very Order who promised him salvation but now they promise him imprisonment.

_“Good morning, Johnny.”_

His eyes open. There’s a cerulean light filtering through the lone window sealed with a sheet of frozen ice. As he sits up, he blinks away the tired tears from his eyes.

Glancing around he notices Kanda is not on the couch but on the mattress with him and Allen. Their backs are pressed against each other’s, sharing body warmth in this horrible cold. The sight is enough to make him forget about the regrets he re-lives in his dreams. A small smile stretches his lips.

He’s not sure what transpired last night but he can practically see it in his mind’s eye. Kanda is being stubborn and grumpy and Allen offers him space on the bed. Kanda refuses, Allen insists. They bicker and eventually Kanda gives in because he cares no matter how much he tries to deny it.

Johnny wonders if Allen realizes just how much Kanda cares. He wonders if Allen knows that Kanda threw the chance of a peaceful life away solely for him. Kanda and Allen are so different yet they share similarities and hold a deep bond that he thinks that they don’t even realize.

He doesn’t know all the details but he knows if the Black Order knew that Kanda was helping he and Allen, there would be trouble. But Kanda actually cares about Allen, not that either of them realizes it, but the Japanese man is willing to risk everything for him. He'd given up his freedom and was willing to continue to give up more. He wonders if they both fully comprehend the big price they pay to help each other out.

Johnny gets out of bed and steps into the freezing cold of the room. The radiator isn’t on. It more than likely stopped working sometime during the night.

He pulls the blanket over Kanda and Allen so it’s snug tightly around them then he retrieves an old and broken space heater stored in the closet.

He can’t do much now a days but he tries his best to help in the little ways he can. Though, honestly, he doesn’t think it will ever be enough.

Johnny looks over at the two sleeping figures on the bed. He is so grateful to them and loves them both so much. He hopes that one day he can repay them in the way they’ve helped him. He hopes one day he can be useful to them.

 

* * *

 

Kanda is not sure where he is but the heat is unbearable. His skin feels like it will peel away from the heat licking up and down his body like flames.

This place looks like a desert. Sand reaches as far as his eyes can see and it’s empty save for his lone self and the grains that blow in the wind.

He was never religious but he remembers hearing about this place back at the Order’s churches when he was 13. He still remembers what they would tell him whenever he acted out of hand. He cringes at the memory.

_“If you commit a sin, boy, God will condemn you and you will live eternity in hell where you will become the Devil’s pet. He likes boys like you.”_

Kanda always found it ironic that the men of the Black Order’s churches could always speak so vile. They’d fill his mind with evils and it only contributed to his view of how fucked up the world was.

Kanda trudges through the sand, hoping he’ll find someway out of here. 

“Hello?” He shouts between his cupped hands. There is no one. Nothing. But then he hears it. It’s faint but a soft whisper floats across the suffocating heat. ‘ _boy….’_

Kanda looks around. He runs this way and that way to wherever the familiar voice is coming from. He knows this voice. He’s heard the soft, sweet voice before. He feels his chest tighten painfully.

_‘That….is… Noah.’_

“Alma?” He questions to the nothingness that surrounds him.

_‘boy is…Noah.’_

He feels a hand clasp tightly onto his shoulder and spins him around. He expects to find Alma’s eyes watching him happily but what he meets are the hard lines of a grim face.

Apocryphos. Innocence.

The man’s hand reaches out rapidly and circles around his neck, squeezing tightly. He grips the man’s forearms hard and tries to pull them away. No luck. He then sends hard fists into the man’s face but he’s still being gripped in a painful lock.

“Yuu Kanda, you are disobeying the Black Order for the Noah. Traiterous! Traiterous!” Innocence is yelling at him.

 _‘That boy is a Noah.’_ Kanda can hear Alma’s soft voice in his ear, contrasting the harsh and deadly piercing of Apocryphos’ words and the burning heat that continues to blister his skin.

The memories of him murdering Alma play on a tangent in his mind’s eye again and again and again.

_‘That boy is a Noah.’_

_‘That boy is a Noah.’_

_‘That boy is a Noah.’_

Gasping for air, he's away from the memories of his dark childhood and back in this desert world again. He can see it now, in the distance: the silhouettes against the orange glow of the setting sun. Allen is dead. He doesn’t have to be told to know that he’s dead. He feels it as sharply as knives piercing through his heart.

Johnny’s curly-haired silhouette flies backward as Allen, no, Nea stabs a blade through his heart. Kanda can feel the excruciating pain too. He failed them just like he failed Alma.

Hell wasn’t the horrible heat or reliving horrible memories of Alma or Apocryphos choking the life out of him. Hell was being reminded that he failed the people he _loves._ That was hell.

He wakes up choking and coughing. He can hear Johnny and Allen hovering over him and asking if he’s okay. But he can’t speak, can’t do anything but run to the bathroom and puke out his food from the night before. He feels someone rubbing circles on his back while someone else holds his hair back from his face.

He vomits until there’s nothing but bile rising and burning his throat. He feels like _Hell._

He folds his arms over the toilet seat and lays his head on top of them. He doesn’t care how filthy and disgusting this thing is right now. He feels horrible. There’s a pounding in his head and his body is scorching and freezing at the same time.

“Watch him while I go make him some tea.” Johnny says softly behind him and the warm hand resting on his back is no longer there.

It’s Allen who holds his hair back. Kanda can’t see him but he feels the younger tie his hair into to a loose bun at the nape of his neck. Briefly, he feels the cursed hand run softly between his shoulder blades before the feeling is gone. Neither of them says anything. Kanda doesn’t think he could say anything even if he wanted to. But the younger’s presence is comforting anyhow.

“Are you feeling alright?” Allen asks softly.

“I just puked my guts out and my head is in the damn toilet. Do I look alright?” He tries to sound angry but it just comes out sounding pathetic and flat. He can’t even feign annoyance when he feels like crap. He wonders what’s wrong with him, wonders why he feels as horribly as he does. And he can’t help but wonder…is it Innocence? Is he becoming a Fallen?

“Sorry. I’ll give you some space.” The white haired teen stands to his feet and makes short strides to the door.

“Fuck.” Kanda mutters under his breath. The Beansprout was being nice and he fucked it up, again. “I didn’t say that.”

Allen hovers by the door, studying Kanda’s hunched over figure. He’d never seen Kanda look so vulnerable before, let alone actually hear him sort of say he wanted him around. It was _weird_. Yet he felt affected somehow. But more than anything he’s worried. What was wrong with Kanda? What was happening to him? Was he becoming a Fallen? This was his fault, wasn’t it?

Johnny’s behind him then, there’s a steaming cup of tea cradled in his hands. Unlike him the, oldest man looks calm but still very serious. He kneels next to Kanda and says, “Drink this.”

Kanda protests but after enough coaxing, he takes a sip, then another, then another, until the drink is finally gone. He wipes his mouth with the back of his hand. Allen is taken aback when a small smile settles on the man’s face and he can feel his stomach drop right there.

Then Kanda asks Johnny, “I’m fucked, right?”

Allen feels like the weight of the world press down even harder on his shoulders. This must have been what was on his mind last night. This must have been why he said he needed to go back to the Order, why he mentioned Link always being around. Kanda hadn’t even been with them long but he was already on his way out. Allen feels his face darkening and his hands clutch into tight fists. This is why he never wanted Kanda or Johnny to come along. Mana and Cross were gone because of him too...did he bring nothing but doom to everyone?

“I saw that bastard Apocryphos in my dream… I don’t have much longer. I need to get back to the Order.” The dark haired man says in a low, gruff voice.

Allen is at his side again. Kanda looks up at him to find his face is solemn.

“We’ll all go." The teen says softly, "I’ll turn myself in. They’ll pardon you both if you bring me in. If I…” He looks like he’s about to cry. “I can’t let anyone die for my sake.”

Kanda hasn’t felt this pissed off in a long time but right now he can feel his blood boiling in his veins. _Is the fucking Beansprout really willing to give up on himself so easily_? He was willing to die for Kanda and be at the mercy of the Black Order, yet he gives up on _himself_ so easily? Does he seriously value his own life so little even in comparison to a bastard like him?

“What the fuck…” Kanda seethes. “You’re just going to give up? After everything?” He tries to stand up weakly but he’s suddenly on his knees again puking his guts out. Fuck he feels horrible. The acid in his belly churns, feeling like it’s going to burn a hole through his stomach lining. The pressure on his head tightens harder and harder. The room is practically spinning, sending his eyes on a whirl in his skull.

Allen and Johnny are holding onto him. He feels their hands clutch his torso, steadying him from falling over.

“Fuck.” Kanda groans between each gag his fingers stiffen as he grips tighter onto the toilet bowl and continues to vomit. _I’m dying._ He thinks. _I’m dying and I haven’t even thanked him yet._

“What’s wrong with him?” Allen asks in a panicked voice. His face is stricken with fear and helplessness. One of his hands is on his back and the other on his chest, keeping him collapsing forward or back.

“I’ll make more of tea...” Johnny says again, half trying to stand up but still helping keep him up.

Kanda ignores him, however. His mind is still on that stupid Moyashi. He looks over his shoulder at the teen with that stricken expression.

“If you really think I’ll let you turn yourself in then you’re stupider than you look.” Kanda he tells Walker breathlessly.

“ _Guys-_ ” Johnny says but is ignored.

“You won’t change my mind,” Allen replies.

“ _Guys…_ ” The bespectacled man says again.

“Coward,” Kanda grits between his teeth.

“Ba-“

Their squabble is halted when Johnny’s cheerful laugh breaks out. They turn to look at him and just see him cackling away like a mad man. For a moment Kanda is so stunned, he almost forgets how horrible he feels.

The bespectacled man wipes the tears from the corners of his eyes. “Ka-Kan-Kanda isn’t becoming one of the Fallen and he’s _not_ dying!” He laughs.

“What?” Kanda and Allen say in unison.

“He has a fever!” Johnny’s voice turns into one that’s motherly and scolding, “You didn’t wear socks to bed!”

“I can’t get sick.” Kanda states. “Don’t you remember I’m a goddamn fake human…”

“After that time…” Johnny pauses before he can mention his fight with Alma. “You exhausted your body and well now your body is like any other person. Your life span is like ours. Your body is like ours. You can get sick now just like us. You being in that cold for so long, you got sick.”

Allen vocalizes slowly, “You mean this whole time… “

Johnny nods.

“Why didn’t you tell us sooner?!” Allen shouts in embarrassment.

“I tried to but you two were arguing!”

Johnny focuses on Kanda. “Now, let’s get you in a bath and get you cleaned up!

“Hell no!” Kanda shouts.

* * *

 

Kanda is lying in the bed, wrapped up in the large duvet. There’s a cold rag across his forehead, helping him keep cool.

He lost the battle with Johnny the mother hen who convinced Walker to force him to bathe. He tried to fight them off but for some reason his body moved too slowly and before he knew it, they’d stripped him down and helped him wash. It was embarrassing but admittedly he felt better after feeling the water on his skin.

He hasn’t puked since this morning, but he’s shivering under the blanket and refusing to eat more than the occasional slice of bread.

Johnny had gone to the motel’s kitchen some time ago, hoping he’d find some food he can actually stomach. Walker stayed behind, per Johnny’s demand. It was just the two of them, sitting in absolute silence.

Allen knows he was never the smartest at the Black Order. But he likes to think that he’s quite observant and knowledgeable enough to know more than some people like Kanda, for example. Now, though, he’s starting to question everything he ever knew.

“Keep staring at me, Moyashi and you’ll be sorry.” The man threatens.

Allen thinks he must be getting better for him to already start acting like...well, like Kanda again.

“Even when you’re sick you manage to act like a jerk.”

“Tch.” Kanda sits up slowly. The duvet falls off his shoulders and his bare scarred torso is met with the cold air of the room. He'd opted wearing his sweater after his bath, finding it suddenly filthy after clutching the toilet with it on for most of the morning.

He cradles his head in his hands and groans in agony. Kanda feels horrible but he needs to get to the Black Order soon. He was supposed to be in Paris within the next few days but being sick now, he can’t help but worry about whether or not he’d make it in time at this current lethargic rate of his.

“What are you doing?” Allen asks, observing him as he tries to get out of bed.

“I’m tired of laying here.”

“You’re sick.” Allen watches him from the small dining table. “You need to rest.”

“I can’t sit around all day doing nothing. Unlike _some people._ ” He regrets the words as soon as they leave his lips.

Allen cringes and stills.

“Shit….” He trails off, unable to speak at that moment. Kanda has said a lot of shitty things but this somehow seems worse than anything he’s ever said before. _The reason he’s in the mess is because of you,_ he chides himself inwardly. The look on Walker’s face is heavy. It makes looking at him all the more uncomfortable especially knowing he was responsible for Nea surfacing in the first place. “I‘m fucked up.”

Allen who is staring at the floor, says nothing. His face is impassive but his eyes are thoughtful and deep. There is a silence in the room as there was previously, but now it’s uncomfortable and awkward. It lasts for several long stretched-out minutes.

As always, Kanda finds himself tongue-tied. He opens up his mouth to speak only to press his lips together firmly and stop himself from saying anything else stupid. He lies back down, giving up any fight he put up earlier. It’s practically forgotten, anyway. Most of his thoughts now are about his own stupidity. He was always so aggressive, no matter how hard he tried to communicate like a normal human being. He couldn’t help but automatically push everyone away, even when he wasn't trying to.

This was all his own damn fault too. All of this he made happen because he let his hatred from the Order stop him from telling them about Nea surfacing in Paris for the first time a year ago. Now here was Walker, protecting him from his own damn self. 

“I didn’t mean that. “ He says, surprising his own self.

Walker, however, surprises him even more, looking unaffected by his uncharacteristic confession. In fact, he’s not even sure if the teen he heard him. He is in his own world. His mind is a million miles away from this conversation. 

Then finally, the younger of the two feigns a small cough and soon a fake smile surfaces on his face.

Kanda hates those goddamn fake smiles. He hates even more that for the first time, this one is for him. It’s to make him feel better even though he was the one who said such an idiotic thing in the first place.

He always thought that he and Walker were on the same footing that the two of them never had to pretend to the other that they were different people. Maybe they never got along well but at least they were honest with each other.

But _this?_

“I hope Johnny’s okay. The people down in the kitchen can be kind of strange.” Allen feigns a little laugh, acting as if nothing happened.

He is so irritated that he feels like his head will explode. How could Johnny or Lenalee or Lavi or whoever stand this side of him? It was disgusting to watch him tuck anything he might be feeling away.

“Are you not going to say anything?”

Allen cocks his head to the side, taking on the appearance of an innocent, naïve child, “About what?”

Kanda has lost of all of his patience. This headache and stomachache be damned.

“Hm. I don’t know, Moyashi. About me acting like a fucking dick…”

Allen smiles that fake smile. “But you aren’t wrong, Kanda.”

_He thinks he’s useless? The hell?_

“But I _am_ wrong.”

“What do you want from me?” Walker narrows his eyes narrow and a frown settles on his face.

 _Stop acting so pathetic!_ Kanda wants to shout at him. _Hit me, curse at me, or fight me, anything but this_. But fuck, he’s back to biting his tongue again. He keeps silent because he can’t speak his own mind and it’s frustrating as hell. Why was this so damn hard?

Kanda runs his hands through his loose tresses. He shuts his eyes and grits his teeth.

“Nothing,” he hisses.

He lies down again and doesn’t hear from Allen again.

Kanda thinks about all things he wants to say. He thinks about how painfully they hammer against his skull.

If only he could say the things in his mind. Would things be different?

Kanda wonders when and why he was started to care so much. He shouldn’t. Why is he even here? He rests the back of his forearm over his eyes. He knows why he’s here and he doesn't regret for a moment being here. But he does wonder, when did he start caring so much about what Allen Walker thought anyway?

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I know dream sequences are rather cliche, though they do have relevance in this story. All of them are clues for something later. 
> 
> I'll try my best to get the next chapter out within the next week or two.
> 
> Thanks for reading!


	5. Chapter 5

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This took way longer to write than I intended. I've gone through so many revisions of this chapter and I'm still not 100% happy with it. I'm so sorry if there are any major mistakes, please forgive me. I've read and edited this chapter multiple times but I'm sure I still missed some errors.
> 
> Also I know next to nothing about poker.
> 
> As always, thank you SO much for reviewing and leaving kudos. I appreciate it so much.

There’s something wrong with Allen. That much Johnny can tell from the younger’s posture as he paces back and forth. He found him this way when he came back from the motel’s main kitchen.

Johnny was excited when the cook had given him stock, carrots, noodles, and chicken for soup. He was planning on making them their first home cooked meal. But when he returned to their room he found Kanda had just fallen asleep again and then there was Allen. The teen had been sitting quietly at the table, staring at his hands and lost deep in thought.

He wasn’t sure what was on his mind but he decided not to push him by asking. Instead he asked Allen to join him in the kitchen as he cooked. It worked for a little while. The white haired teen was distracted and seemed to be back to normal but that was only until they were done with the food preparation. Then Allen started pacing back and forth in their room’s dimly lit kitchen.

Admittedly, he feels useless when it comes to Allen. There’s only so much he can do for him but in the end he ends up feeling guilty that he can’t do more. Johnny tries his best to do what he can and give him space when he needs it. But he can’t help but feel worried about him. Especially after he was willing to turn himself into the Black Order so easily when he thought Kanda’s life was in danger. He didn’t even think of alternative options that would save all three of them. Without hesitation he was going to sacrifice himself. But it is that which makes the teen so special. It didn’t matter who it was, he’d always put others before himself even if it meant his own demise.

Johnny can’t help but wonder, if the Black Order did find them one day, would Allen turn himself in? Would he run or would he fight?

 

* * *

 

Allen feels like he is being melodramatic.

He doesn’t know why Kanda’s words have affected him as deeply as they have but he can’t get them off his mind. The thing is, he’s long known what Kanda said to be true. He does just sit around on his arse while his friends do everything for him. Kanda protects them while Johnny keeps him sane. But what does he do for them? What do they get out of any of this? He can’t imagine sitting around a motel room with a cursed kid would be fun for them but here they were after all these months.

Allen feels pathetic knowing he can’t do anything for Johnny and Kanda the way they do for him. He feels awful knowing he left Lenalee back at the Order worried for him. He feels sick that he doesn’t even know if Lavi is alive or dead. And he can’t stand that so many people are worried for him even though he’s in safe hands. While he is being protected, everyone he cares about is in danger for his sake.

Allen hates this. He hates that he can’t protect anyone or help anyone. How many exorcists will have to get injured or even die trying to find him? How long will it be before Johnny and Kanda suffer from this same fate? He curses Nea and all the Noah he can think of. In that moment he finds himself wretched. How did he go from helping people to being a pawn in the Noahs’ chess game? When did his friends become a space on the board for him to stand on?

He isn’t mad at Kanda for saying what he said earlier because he was right. As long as Nea is alive, those words would always ring true. His life was partly in Nea’s hands now. One day he will try to take over. Allen doesn’t know if he will stand a chance against him when that day comes.

Pacing back and forth in the kitchen, he shuts his eyes tightly and thinks about how he can get everyone he cares for out of this mess. A life on the run isn’t one he thinks he can live, especially if it meant putting everyone he cared for in harm’s way.

Damn Nea…Damn Mana. Damn them all. Did he ever have control over his own life or did it always belong to them?

“ _An interesting question, Allen Walker,_ ” He hears a voice echo in his mind. _“Let’s find out.”_

 

* * *

 

The light shone through the large stained glass windows of the Parisian Church. The glow of the sun filtered through the colored glass and painted the cathedral in purples, reds, oranges, and blues.

Lenalee sat in the last row of the church’s pews. There were some exorcists sitting in various rows in front of her. Most of them were kneeling and resting their forehead on their clasped hands. Praying to the crucified Jesus statue standing bravely above the Church’s stage.

She isn’t a religious person but there is something about seeing people pray that at times makes her feel better. It was something she found comfort in even as a young girl. Maybe she couldn’t be like them but seeing them still cling to hope made her believe that maybe there still was a chance for this all to end with her loved ones alive. Maybe she, too, could still hope.

Her brother hadn’t ever really talked to her about religion before. She isn’t too sure she knows what his religion is or if he even has one. But one thing Lenalee always kept in mind is how hard he tries to protect people. He is the only one left to keep her sane. Most of the people she loves dearly are gone now and if there is something she wants more than anything, it’s for Lavi, Johnny, and Allen’s safety and it is to not lose anymore loved ones. At least Kanda is okay physically (though, mentally she has no doubt that he is a mess).

Lenalee kneels on the kneeler folded behind the old wooden pew before her. She clasps her hands in a prayer and closes her eyes.

 _I don’t…. I don’t really know how to do this._ She sighs. _If anyone is listening, please, please protect everyone. Please let Johnny and Allen and Lavi be safe. Please keep my brother safe._

She pulls her hands apart and sighs. This can’t be all she can do… How did she go from standing on the front lines to praying that she can do something? Why is she being treated by everyone as if she’s useless?

As time went on she knew Kamui had eliminated most of her responsibilities. He didn’t want her to get hurt but she would get hurt thousands of times as long as it meant the people she loves are safe. How cruel it was to let her stay behind with the uncertainty of whether the ones she loves live or die.

Lenalee leaves the church quietly then storms down the long halls of the Black Order’s main branch. The clicking of her heels echoes loudly throughout. Her hurried walking catches the attention of other exorcists she had never really been acquainted with.

When she reaches Kamui’s office he is sitting behind his desk, files stacked in front of him. He isn’t alone. Reever is here also, like he has been a lot more lately. The tall blonde is dressed in casual clothing and keeping her brother company on his day off.

Immediately, the two men quiet down at her arrival.

“Brother…Reever,” she greets them both then gives her undivided attention to Kamui, “We need to talk.”

 

* * *

 

Kanda wakes up some hours later. He supposes he had talked himself into a sleep because the last thing he remembers is arguing with Moyashi and then… he feels the sharp sting of regret stab painfully into his chest.

_Shit._

He sits up in the cold and quiet room. All the lights in the motel room are on. There’s luke warm tea on the nightstand next to the bed. How much time has passed since he fell asleep? He looks around and notices that neither Johnny nor Allen is there. His eyes dart around the room, searching frantically for them but it’s just he alone.

Lethargically, he searches for them and then finds them in the small adjacent kitchen. Crossed-legged on the floor, they’re playing a game of ‘Go Fish’. There are two empty ceramic soup bowls discarded next to them.

So invested in their game, it takes them both a moment to acknowledge his presence. When they finally do, Johnny has a smile on his face and Allen just seems blank. Like he’s physically there but not mentally.

Kanda inwardly chastises himself for his stupid remark earlier. The teen is thick-skinned and he’s heard far worse than what Kanda has said to him, but Kanda understands what it means for someone to remark on your lack of freedom. Ever since his ‘birth,’ he knew he wasn’t free. He was a tool that belonged to the Black Order doomed to live a life in misery.

It was Allen Walker who gave him freedom. The price of helping he and Alma have their final moments alone came at the big price of Allen’s life. Then Kanda had willingly thrown away that freedom to be with the very person who granted it to him.

“Are you feeling any better?” Johnny asks him.

Since he had awoken his mind automatically thought of Allen and Johnny. He had forgotten all about himself and how terrible he felt earlier but thinking about it now, he supposes he does feel better. Though there’s still a throbbing in his head and some weakness in his muscles.

“Yeah…” He replies to the older man’s question.

Having his head practically shoved down a toilet made him see with some clarity. Maybe he did feel like shit but for the first time in this life he feels real.

“Good! I made some soup for you. Allen and I were going to wait until you ate but then we got hungry so—“

“…Thanks.” He says. It sounds weird hearing that word come from his mouth but it feels _good_ to say it. Who knew such simple words can make such a difference? Even Walker looks surprised to hear the word coming from him. His silver eyes study him briefly but there’s something so strange about it. It makes him feel uneasy. Then Walker is back to looking at the cards in his hands. His eyes even more strange and wild than a moment ago.

“Are you hungry? I can heat the soup for you if you want!”

“No, Johnny. It’s fine.”

Admittedly, it isn’t hard to be honest with Johnny. There is something about the bespectacled man that makes him easy to talk to. In some ways he is like Alma. They both managed to be vibrant and cheery despite the gloomy situation.

The thing is though; it isn’t Johnny that he struggles to talk to. It’s goddamn Allen Walker. After all this time and after everything they had been through, it shouldn’t have been hard for him to talk to the damned Beansprout. But every time he confronts the younger man, his lips and teeth cage away his words and he’s unable to say what he wants to.

 _In time_ , he tells himself. Right now he has to focus on the bigger picture. He needs to get the Beansprout out of this country. They stayed long enough and him sleeping for nearly two days straight set their schedule back.

“We’ll need to leave, tomorrow.” He tells them.

The bespectacled man pouts. “It’s too bad that we have to leave.”

He’s about to reply when he hears a softer voice speak up.

“No. We don’t.” Walker says in the calmest voice then he continues playing the card game as if Kanda had never walked through that door minutes ago.

_What the hell…?_

“Allen?” Johnny asks, just as confused as he is.

The white-haired teen smiles at Johnny, the smile on his face almost comedic, “I said we don’t have to go anywhere. We’ve had good luck here. Why should we leave?”

“Because I fucking said so.” Kanda snaps. What was wrong with the Beansprout? Did he really think he was going to start making decisions now? Especially stupid ones like this? The whole damn Order and the Noah were after them and he was thinking of staying in one place, making it easier for them to be caught by their worst enemies?

“Well, I don’t want to leave and neither does Johnny.”

“ _Tch_ ,” he clicks his tongue against his teeth, “It doesn’t matter what you _want_. We _have_ to leave.”

“We don’t have to do anything.” Walker challenges.

Kanda ignores the dull headache pounding in his skull. He crosses the path to the kitchen, fists his hand into Allen’s shirt and in one swift motion pulls him to his feet.

“The hell is your problem?”

The man glares back at him with the same intensity. His silver irises seem darker than usual and unusual is the expression he wears. His aura is heavy and suffocating. The smell of iron on him is so strong he can nearly taste it on his tongue. This isn’t Allen, is it?

_Fuck._

Kanda had made a crucial mistake. Mugen was tucked away in the next room and he was in nothing but the sweatpants he slept in. What’s worse, he isn’t sure how much of this is Allen and how much of this is Nea, even if he had Mugen near by, what could he do? He doesn’t think he could reach for the katana even if he had it.

“Nothing.” The younger man wrenches his hands off him and steps back. His voice is so irritatingly calm and condescending, “I just don’t ever remember agreeing to _you_ being in charge so why are you making all the decisions?”

Kanda isn’t sure who throws the first punch but before he knows it, he and that goddamn white-haired man are hitting each other.

They hit and shove each other in the confined space of the kitchen. He feels a knee to his abdomen and knuckles dig into his left eye. One of them accidentally kicks one of the empty soup bowls lying on the ground. The sheer force sends the ceramic flying until it shatters against the oven. Glass scatters across the linoleum floor like stars in the night sky.

The crash is nearly inaudible compared to Johnny’s cries, _‘Stop!’_ But even so, his yells aren’t enough to stop Kanda’s fist from flying into the white haired man’s head and Allen’s cursed fist crushing into his left eye again. He feels his cheekbone throb and burn from the hard strike. There’s a loud shrill ringing in his ears and he sees stars dancing in his eyes.

As the white-haired man steps back, his heel steps on the other ceramic bowl and he loses his balance. Kanda feels the man’s hands encircle his arms and he is pulled down with him.

He feels his face smack into Allen’s bony shoulder. He half pushes himself up while one of Walker’s hands helps pushes him up also.

From seeing stars to nothing but red, he straddles Walker and holds him in place by laying his hand flat on his chest. He raises his other fist to hit him again. But now _Allen_ stares at him with a pained expression. His silver eyes are glassy with unshed tears.

Kanda’s enclosed fist stays in the air, floating by his head where it’s unable to strike down into the younger man again. The weight of the situation suddenly occurs to him. That wasn’t Allen, _this_ is Allen.

_He would never intentionally hurt you._

Allen’s hands splay onto his bare chest and with a forceful shove he manages to push him back enough that Kanda crashes hard into the wall behind him. Being sick and weaker than usual, the strike slightly knocks the breath out of his chest.

He looks at Walker who stares at him with wide eyes, horrified with what he’s done.

“The fuck is your problem?” Kanda pants between clenched teeth. He’s not sure why he asks it but it comes out anyway.

Johnny quickly steps between them, trying to prevent them from fighting again. Words quickly spill from the older man’s mouth, _'Enough! Please, that's enough!'_ He says anything to calm them down and keep them from going at it again.

Allen, however, pushes past Johnny and kneels in front of him. It surprises Kanda and he stills at the closeness.

“I’m…I’m…” Walker’s eyes examine the bruise forming on his face. His splayed, slightly shaking, hands hover just over his face. He feels the warmth radiating off them.

Kanda studies the teen's narrowed eyes, the tightness of his jaw, and the trembling of his lips.

Then Allen is quickly up on his feet, backing away from him and muttering apologies. “I’m…I’m sorry, Kanda. But I…I can’t...?” He turns on his heel and flees from their motel room.

It all happens so quick he barely registers what is happening. Johnny steps in front of him. His usual jolly demeanor is replaced with an unfamiliar and stern expression.

“You need to talk to him.” The older man says, “I know it’s not easy for you but you need to.”

 

* * *

 

Allen walks down the hall, ignoring the chattering and the lingering eyes on his form. He’s used to people like this after years of traveling with Cross and sleeping at motels just as, if not more, sordid.

He sighs loudly, shoves his hands in his pockets and tries to steady his breathing. What the hell just happened back there? Sure he and Kanda used to physically fight before but this was different. He doesn’t remember even initiating a fight at all… but that wasn’t him. That was…

“Dammit,” he mutters under his breath.

Stopping in his tracks, he clutches his forehead with one hand. His head feels like it’s splitting in half. He is losing control of himself. Why is this happening? Was he so desperate to be out of this situation that he let Nea take over and hurt his own friend? Was he losing so much control that Nea could take over without him even struggling to fight back?

Allen wants so badly to apologize but he doesn’t think he could face Kanda right now. He continues strolling the musty-smelling halls that had yellow paint peeling and flaking off the walls.

So lost in his own thoughts, he hadn’t realized the figure standing near him. It was an older man probably in his forties, not much taller than he. He was thin with a head full off blonde hair that was nearly white. He’s leaning up against the open door frame of his motel room that is much larger but filthier than theirs. Behind the strange man, Allen can see a table where two other men and two women sat. They are all staring at him.

“Freaky kid, want to play a game?” The strange man asks him in Swedish. His pupils are huge; no doubt he’s high on something.

The other people in the man’s motel room all shout something at him.

_‘Does he even understand?’_

_‘He doesn’t look like he has money.’_

_'But his clothes look expensive.’_

‘ _Maybe he’ll sell other things…’_ A laugh.

“Poker?” The man asks him.

Allen can’t remember the last time he ripped someone off in poker. It might have been that time he and Lavi met Tyki on the train. But regardless, Allen wants to feel like himself again especially after what just happened with Nea and Kanda. Maybe it’s stupid and doesn’t make sense to anyone else but he wants things to feel how they once did. He wants to feel like they did when he was still an oblivious child traveling with Cross.

In their native tongue, he lies, “I don’t know how to play.”

“ _Ohhh?_ “ There's an exaggerated draw on the sound, “We can teach you.”

 

* * *

 

As a child, her fears would be quelled when her brother would smile at her. He would pretend everything was going to be okay with that expression. That smile he would always use to keep her from worrying any further. But she was no longer a child and this would no longer work on her. Her friends were out there. They needed her.

“Lenalee! Did you come here to take me out for lunch?” Kamui chuckles.

She sighs and nervously clutches her hands together not unlike a prayer. “Can we speak alone, please?”

Her brother sighs. “To tell you the truth, Reever and I are discussing some confidential matters. This will have to wait until later, my dear Lenalee.”

Inwardly, she scowls. Sure, they were busy. With her brother joking not minutes ago and Reever dressed in casual clothing. It’s clear to her that he is avoiding any talk about her friends and she’s left to imagine all the worst-case scenarios. It makes her all the more desperate to get out of here and find them. Instead she’s praying to god to protect her friends for her.

“I can’t wait any longer,” she says in a high yet panicked voice.

Reever looks over at Kamui and says tenderly, “Maybe you should talk to her.”

The dark haired man smiles at his friend, but Lenalee knows her brother well enough to see the threat behind his expression. “No, I really can’t right now. Not when we have all this work,” In a more emphasized tone he asks, “Don’t you remember?”

There’s a stretched out silence between the two, it’s like she isn’t even there. It seems private almost. Then finally, they speak again.

“Uhh… yeah! That’s right.” Reever walks toward her, his hands traffic her out of the room. “Sorry Lena, I totally forgot we have a schedule concerning that, um, matter.”

Unable to stomach anymore lies, Lenalee pushes past the tall man and stalks to her brother’s desk. She slams her hands down on the wooden surface. “What happened to my friends?”

“Lenalee…” Kamui’s voice is stern. It’s a side not many have seen from him. It’s one so rare that she’s barely seen it before herself.

“You can’t keep me in the dark, brother! Not when my friends are out there and I’m stuck in here.”

He holds both of her hands and he looks at her with those dark eyes of his. They’re warm and tender. As much as she hated that he put her on the sidelines she can't be mad at him. He's her brother, yes, but he's also a parental figure to her. She feels safe with him. Whatever he says to her now he is being honest, “I promise when we have privacy, we’ll talk.”

They are in his office but that isn’t private enough? She isn’t sure why the whole thing makes her feel uneasy. But she trusts him.

She nods.

Kamui feigns a laugh, “Alright, my dearest sister, you convinced me. Why don’t we all get lunch?”

From her brother’s cue, she plays along. “Fine, but you’re paying.”

 

* * *

 

Allen keeps his cards to his chest.

They all do. But he especially tries to keep up the notion that he has no idea what he’s doing. They believe him too. They all wear slight smirks on their faces; they act as if they’re waiting for him to lose everything. Allen can’t blame them for thinking so because he allowed them to, after all. He let them think he had no idea what he was doing. He let them take the cardigan he was wearing and his leather boots. But at the right time he would win everything back and more.

He is about to play another hand but then he hears distant shout from beyond the room door and in the hall.

“Moyashi!” The shout sounds nearly inaudible but he can recognize Kanda’s voice from anywhere.

Allen stands up to meet him but he’s met with glares and the man who invited him, Georg, stands up to stop him from going.

“We’re still playing the game.”

“Ahh, I know but my friend is out there. Can you at least let him in?”

The older man sighs and opens the door. “He can come in no one e—“ Before he can even finish his sentence Kanda slams the door open and shoves the man up against the wall. His fingers are tightly curled around his throat.

“Kanda!” Allen pulls him off and the man falls to his feet, anxiously pawing at his throat protectively.

The Japanese man turns to look at him and almost shouting says, “What are you doing here?”

He feels his throat constrict when he notices the purple and red bruise forming around his left eye. “I’m playing cards with our neighbors...” He responds absentmindedly. He's too digusted with himself to even recognize how idiotic that sounds.

Kanda’s voice lowers into a harsh whisper. “Did you forget about our situation?”

“Of course not!” He pulls back. “I just…” He can’t seem to explain how he feels. Not to mention, his guilt and shame has returned and it's hard to look at the man. He swallows thickly.

“Let’s go, Moyashi.” He grits between his teeth and grabs Allen’s shoulder.

“Hm. Your pretty boyfriend is quite the protective type.” One of the men says. He’s bald, a large scar runs over his lips, and there are dark circles around his eyes. He licks his lips, “Would your friend like to play, kid?”

“Like I’d want to play your stupid fucking game.” Kanda mocks.

The same man stands to his feet, challenging Kanda. “You really want to be talking to me like that, Pretty?” He smirks then grabs his belt buckle, “I bet I can get you to shut up real quick.”

“I bet you can’t,” Kanda wraps his fingers around Mugen’s hilt. Allen swears all the worst imaginable scenarios run through his mind in that instant. He quickly puts his hands on Kanda’s, preventing him from pulling the sword from its sheath.

Kanda looks down at him with that typical pissed off expression but he ignores it.

“Are you crazy?” Allen hisses in a hushed voice.

“They stole from you.” He says evenly. It’s as if scaring random people with a sword was such a brilliant solution. All the while, the people at the table make inappropriate remarks and he’s grateful the exorcist isn’t paying any attention to them.

“No, they didn’t, idiot.” He runs his hands through his hair, “Let me keep playing.”

Kanda glares daggers at him. “No way.”

“Trust me.” He emphasizes. Kanda's dark eyes studies his own silver ones. It makes Allen feel strange interacting with him like this. Especially considering what happened earlier. But he needs to do this no matter how ridiculous it is.

“ _Tch,_ ” Kanda moves away, a gesture that, yes, he does indeed trust Allen. “How childish.”

A small, grateful smile forms on his face, it's not returned but he didn't expect it to be anyhow. He turns his attention back to the people at the table and fakes a laugh, “He’s not from here…different customs. Uh, very overprotective.”

“Well, Pretty needs to learn how to keep his mouth shut.” The bald man sits down again.

Kanda grumbles, “I swear to god, Moyashi, you better have a good reason for this.”

Well, Allen doesn’t have a good reason for any of it. He just wants to feel like himself again. He wants things to feel the way they used to be before he learned the ugly truth of his existence. But he can’t be himself if Nea does whatever he wants against his will. How much he longed to be normal again. Whatever normal was in his world.

He forces the thoughts out of his mind.

Focusing back on the game, he watches as one of the blonde women shuffles the deck then distributes the cards. They play a couple of games and he purposely loses. He lets them think they have the upperhand. Let’s them really believe he’s scrambling to win. He lets the men and women win another round, much to Kanda’s very vocal dismay.

I’ll tell you what…” The bald man, who presented himself as Alvar, grins. “I’ll raise this rolex …” He removes the expensive watch from his wrist and lays it out on the table. “What will you raise? Because I know your clothing isn’t this expensive, kid.”

Allen knows men like this, knows how indecent they can be. He traveled with Cross long enough and met so many unsavory people to know what this man is alluding to.

“It seems you already have something in mind.” He replies.

Alvar chuckles, “I’ve been stuck with these ugly broads for days now,” he thumbs at the women at the table. There is a chorus of, ‘fucking asshole’ and ‘dickhead’ from both ladies at his remark. He looks between he and Kanda and says, “But you two, there would be no way you would be staying at a place like this unless you live a certain type of lifestyle.”

“What?” Kanda hisses but it falls on deaf ears.

“What do you say, freaky kiddo? If you lose, you and your pretty friend and me…”

Kanda curses, “Oh, hell no. The fuck is wrong with you–“

“Deal.” Allen grins

“Beansprout!” The exorcist exclaims in his ears. He grips his shoulder and Allen looks up at him, trying to ignore the pang in his chest when he sees the giant bruise again. “The hell do you think you’re doing?”

“I told you to trust me, didn’t I?”

Kanda stares at him incredulously then groans. “Whatever,” He clicks between his teeth. “Just win your stupid game.”

“I will.”

It seems to be enough because Kanda backs away with a ‘tch’ then he crosses his arms and leans on the wall.

Then Allen does what he does best at poker, he cheats.

It’s finally time for the showdown. Some fold, others expose their best hand then he lays out his cards. Among the hands, he sees a straight and a full house. Unfortunately for them, Allen has four of a kind and wins the game. There’s some groans, some laughs, then there’s Kanda mocking everyone at the table.

“Beginner’s luck,” Georg curses, “Next time you won’t be as lucky.”

Next, the bald man, Alvar, says, “I tell you what. Why don’t you come back tomorrow?”

“Why the hell would he do that?” Kanda asks.

“Relax, Beautiful, you can come too.” The man laughs and Kanda’s crossing the room on the path to punch the man square in the jaw. Allen jumps in front of Kanda, his back pressed against the man’s chest, preventing him from moving anywhere near the people at the table.

Allen puts on his best fake smile for his junkie gambling neighbors and lies, “We would _love_ to come back tomorrow.”

 

* * *

 

They're sitting side by side on the floor next to the bed. Johnny is somewhere in the kitchen, warming up the soup he made earlier. The older man looked relieved to see them return on better terms. Or almost...

Kanda is swearing at him and demands answers for a string of questions, ‘why would you just leave?’ and ‘why would you go into a stranger’s room?’ and 'why the hell are you betting those kinds of things?’

“Relax. I know how to play poker.”

“You mean cheat in poker.”

“I don’t always cheat.”

“ _Tch_.” In his hands, he examines the gold watch Allen won in his little poker match, "This isn't even a Rolex. What the fuck is a Wolex?"

It’s weird how normal things feel when he’s with Kanda. _When he’s actually being himself and not being possessed by Nea_ , he adds.

He and Kanda are incredibly different in many ways but as much as he hates to admit it, Marie was right. They share a lot of similarities. They also had gone through a lot together. It should have made facing each other all the more difficult but it hadn’t somehow. It made it easier. Despite seeing each other’s most vulnerable side, things pretty much remained how they always have. Except now he actually doesn’t mind Kanda’s company, sometimes he might say he actually enjoyed it. Sort of.

Maybe that's what makes it so hard to look at Kanda. That large purple and red bruise was a like a bright neon sign. It almost reminds Allen of the cursed mark on his face. He bites his lip hard, as the guilt from earlier crashes down on him.

Sure, it wasn’t he who did it but his vulnerabilities still allowed Nea take control. He was losing his battle with Nea and he isn’t even sure how much control he has over his own body and mind anymore. Nea already hurt Kanda, how long would it before he did worse?

“I’m sorry…” Allen says. Though he’s unable to meet the taller man’s gaze. It's not exactly his fault but he feels ashamed of himself anyhow. It was his own fists that put that giant bruise on his face. He isn’t sure why he is hiding what actually happened earlier. But somehow he can’t bring himself to admit that it wasn’t him. Saying out loud made him feel like it was letting Nea win.

“For what?” Kanda asks.

“For earlier. I…don’t know what got into me. I shouldn’t have done that. You know I—”

“That wasn’t you.” The exorcist glances at him.

“What?”

“I said that wasn’t you.”

“It was…”

Kanda curses under his breath, “Why are you apologizing for the Fourteenth?”

There were a lot of ways Allen was expecting this conversation to go. This was not one of them. He tried hiding that Nea had taken over but Kanda had recognized it even when he hadn’t realized it himself. But that was all why he was here wasn’t it? It was why everyone was after him. Good or bad, everyone’s intentions equated Nea in somehow. When did he lose this much control over his life?

“I…I don’t know.” Allen finally looks at him and asks, “How did you know it was him?”

The dark-haired man stares at him for a moment. There's a long stretched out silence between them but it's not uncomfortable. His cobalt eyes scan over him as if he is trying to assess something. Then Kanda says, “Because I know you.”

Allen had seen strange. As a child, he was part of a traveling circus for god's sake. But nothing is stranger than having Kanda Yu speak to him so familiarly. And as odd it is, it fills his aching heart with a warmth he hadn't felt in a long time. It still amazes Allen how much more open the man had become since he parted with Alma. Their final moments were so much more important than he could ever understand. He's glad for it. Allen is glad he could help Kanda find peace with Alma. No matter how fleeting it was. He does not regret his life going to hell for their sake. Not once has he regretted it. If he had the chance he would do it all over again.

Admittedly, he still cannot fathom why after the hell Kanda had experienced from the Black Order that he would willingly join them again. Whatever his reasons were, they had to be good.

Kanda’s expression softens. The usual crease in his brow is not there. He looks younger somehow. Then he catches him off guard all over again, “I was a dick to you earlier….”

Allen feels his eyes widen. His mouth is slightly agape then he asks, “Are you… _apologizing_?”

“ _Tch_ ,” The man shrugs and closes his eyes. He leans his head back on the mattress and a small smirk appears on his face. “It shouldn’t be that hard for you to figure out, stupid.”

Allen finds himself smiling at that. How strangely normal this all feels. Not for the first time, he feels grateful Kanda is here. Maybe most of his life had gone to hell but with Johnny and even Kanda by his side, at least he isn’t alone.

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I've written the outline for this entire story out and got an idea of how many chapters it's supposed to have which is about 20. More or less. I was hoping it would be less but there's so much I need to cover and I don't want ridiculously long chapters so right now I say it's around 20. 
> 
> Thank you for reading!


	6. Chapter 6

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I'm sorry for the incredibly long wait. Please know I still love this story and have not given up on it! I just have a lot of stuff going on between finishing up Uni and applying for jobs. This chapter is a bit shorter than previous chapters. I decided to cut it short so I can put something out since it's been so long.
> 
> When I first started this story I wanted to keep it as close to canon as possible, now I realize that is impossible. I just have no idea about the actual direction of the story. So of course, this has canon elements but will mostly be my imagination.
> 
> Anyway, thank you to everyone who gave me kudos and have commented. And even to the people who don't leave kudos but still read this! I really appreciate it so much!! 
> 
>  
> 
> Enjoy :)

Allen can barely remember the better part of the morning.

After folding both of their clothing earlier, Johnny went down to the motel’s main kitchen to fetch them breakfast.  _“Allen, clean up before we go!”_   He said with enthusiasm. It had been two days before the snow cleared enough for them to travel. Johnny was more than ready to leave Sweden. Though, they’d be at the station for a good while before their train came, so now was the only good time to eat before they had to get going. The bespectacled man volunteered to get food. Not that there was much of an option. 

It's he and Kanda alone in this room. Neither have said much to each other since the poker game... and the fight. Not unless they had to, anyway. He thought things would have been a lot easier since they actually had a rather civil exchange, but that made it all the more harder.

Allen absentmindedly watches Kanda pack. The older man folds his clothes meticulously in the old suitcase Johnny brought with him all those weeks ago. It’s a strange sight. Kanda is anything but domestic, but regardless if it’s folding his clothing or slicing through the bodies of demons, he performs his duties with precision.

It should be normal. All of this. Except there’s the part where he slips in and out of consciousness. One moment his eyes are following the motions of Kanda’s hands as they neatly fold a particular black sweater, the next thing he knows he’s re-living through Nea’s memories. This has been happening repeatedly since Nea fought with Kanda. Allen hasn't said anything about it. He doesn't want Johnny to worry. But these occurrences are happening so frequently, he barely registers what is reality and what are the Noah's memories now.

There’s a petite woman staring at him. A beautiful smile is painted across her features. Her dark hair is smoothed out to her shoulders, her eyes are soft with adoration for him - _Nea_. Allen has never seen her before but she seems familiar somehow, and it suddenly strikes him like the pounding of fists against a door. This woman is - _was?_ \- Road. She looks different. Similar in some ways but not quite the same. He knows it's her, though. He's seen her look at _him_ this way before.

For some reason, he wonders then if Nea loved her, the way she looks at him even when he’s _Allen_ , all she sees is Nea. Just like Mana...

_You were never more than a vessel._

Allen pushes that thought out of his mind, shuts his eyes tightly and drowns the images behind the dark of his eyelids. His jaw clenches so tightly he can hear the grinding of his teeth. His heart pounds so loudly, its sounds as if the muscle will burst out of his chest.

_Walker._

 

_Moyashi._

Then the light floods in and he sees Kanda again.

“Fourteenth?” Kanda grits out harshly. The grip of the man’s hand on his shoulder tightens painfully. His dark eyes peer into his, searching. Wondering. The black eye he’d _, Nea,_ given him two nights ago is healed now. Still, his regenerating abilities are no longer as rapid as they once were.

Allen rubs the foot of his palm against his cursed eye and shakes his head. "No,” He clears his throat, “It’s me, Kanda. Allen _._ ”

_Nea's vessel._

Kanda’s grip loosens but his hand lingers. Allen watches as the man’s dark eyes scan over him then his features soften. They deeply contrast the scowling  Kanda he remembers meeting over a year ago. The exorcist looks like he’s about to say something. He always does, it seems. Allen’s noticed it several times before but he always assumed he was imagining things. Why would _Kanda_ , after all, care to say anything else to him anyway?  He bows his head slightly. His eyes mostly hide behind the length of his bangs. There’s always so much on his own mind, he rarely allows himself to wonder what Kanda is thinking or Johnny. But, there’s always times like these, when he’s nearly gone that he wonders why they even bother.

_Why do they bother?_

“Kanda?”

_They shouldn’t be here._

“Hm?”

_They don’t deserve to die for your sake._

“Why… _why_ are you here?” He never directly questioned him about it, he didn’t want to. But Allen feels his end is near, and his mind urges that he should know… that he needs to. “Why did you come back-”

Kanda pulls his hand away and it’s only then that Allen realizes he’d still been holding onto him. The man withdraws completely from him. He crosses the space of the small room to the bed where the suitcase is lies. He's packing the rest of his clothing, as if the last few minutes hadn’t even happened. Kanda doesn’t have to say anything for Allen to feel how cold and closed off he’s become. What surprises him isn’t this fact, but that he actually feels hurt by it.

But he can’t let this go. There’s little time left and there’s so much he wants to say to the exorcist. Standing to his feet, he walks over and basically corners him. Kanda's back is toward him. He forcefully shoves tight fistfuls of clothing into the open suitcase on the besd.

Softly, Allen says, “After everything the Order did to you? To Alma why-”

Kanda slams the suitcase shut. The violent motion catches him off guard and for a moment he flinches. But the older’s fury doesn’t discourage him. He can’t let it. There’s not much time left anymore. There was no reason for Kanda to continue helping him. He always suspected that Kanda wanted to kill Nea. Revenge. He hated the Noah nearly as much as he hated the Order. If his reason for being here was to kill Nea, he should just do it now. He needed to know that there was no point in drawing this out. Allen feels his throat constrict. The warm, salty tears roll down his cheeks. From his blurry vision, he can see Kanda tense. Allen feels so stupid, so childish. No matter how much time passes he’s still a crybaby.

His breath hitches. 

“You must think I’m really pathetic,” He says, wiping his eyes with the back of his hand. 

It’s only then that Kanda looks over his shoulder at him. Those deep cobalt colored eyes of his burns intensely through him. They're unreadable. He's unreadable. 

The creaking of the door hinges grabs his attention. In comes Johnny holding several bags of food and various items, in his hands. The man is wearing his usual smile, or _was_ , because it fades the instant their eyes meet. 

“Allen?” His worried tone sends a sharp twinge in his heart, “Are you okay?”

Allen rubs his face, trying to force himself to don his imaginary face paint and rubber nose. A clown always needed to make people smile. He doesn’t want Johnny to worry for him. Not when they had so much to do. Not especially after this disaster with Kanda. He wasn't sure he was quite ready to fail again, but he would tell them both that there was no point for them to run from the Order anymore. He’ll do anything to keep them safe, even if it meant willingly turning himself in.

He feigns a laugh, and in turn, Kanda sighs audibly.

“I’m fine, Johnny. Just trying to help _Bakanda_ pack.” He feels intense regret as soon as the words roll off his tongue. Johnny is a scientist. He is anything but stupid and yet Allen is treating him that way. He's been treating him this way since the beginning, hasn't he?

The bespectacled man’s serious expression is telling and Allen feels shame for being the cause of this. 

“Right.” Johnny says. It’s all he says. 

 _Great job, Allen._ He thinks to himself. _First, you get Kanda mad at you, and now Johnny._

He doesn’t think he can say anything to make it up to either of them. So he decides to let it pass. He decides to let the heavy silences weigh down his conscious. He hates himself even more.

“I’m going to take a shower,” He tells them. 

Allen's heart aches when neither of them responds.

 

* * *

 

The hot water soothes his aching muscles as it sprays over his body. It does nothing to mollify his mind, however.

Memories of Nea’s past flash in his mind like flickering lights. They’re so rapid he can’t even understand what’s occurring in them. Though, he can make out most of the faces of people the Noah once held close to him.

There’s one person in particular that stands out to him. Unlike the others who he can see with incredible detail, this red-haired bespectacled man’s face is a blur. Nea’s hands ran through those red, silky locks with tenderness, he’s seen it. He doesn’t know this man and yet he does. The sight of him alone makes the acids churn in his belly and threaten to burn a hole through the lining of his stomach.

Allen doesn’t even understand what’s going on anymore. What he does know is that Nea’s toying with him. They share a body. Of course, the Noah knows when his resolve is weakening. He remembered telling Cross that he wouldn’t give up and he’s tried. He _has been_ trying but being Allen Walker means putting the ones he cares for in immense danger. He's afraid of what will happen when he can no longer put up the fight.

Still, he hopes.

He thinks of Johnny, of Kanda, Lenalee, Lavi, and everyone back at the Order. Those people he cares for so dearly... he doesn’t want to lose them. So why is he giving in? Why is he letting Nea take over? He slams a hand on the tile wall of the shower. Damn Nea, Damn the Noah. He can't lose the only family he’s ever known.

“I won’t…I can’t give up.” He mutters under his breath.

But then there’s that faint voice in his mind. That one that haunts his entire existence.

_Red._

_Red._

Allen clutches his head. “Stop it.”

_Red._

He wants to return to his friends back in the room. He wants to apologize to them for letting himself nearly give up. 

Allen steps out of the shower.

_Red!_ Nea’s voice rings so loudly in his mind he missteps and stumbles out of the shower. His chin catches the sharp end of the bathroom sink counter. The old linoleum covered corner slices through his flesh. He falls to the ground, catching himself from hitting his face against the floor.

“Dammit!”

He pushes himself up, the warm red blood trickles from his chin and paints the white tile. The color is all he can see. He’s bleeding but he can’t focus on anything but _red_. 

His heart beats rapidly and he’s catapulted into another memory.

The gold of Nea’s eyes reflect back into his own from the mirror he examines himself in. There’s a purposeful smirk on his face. Nea wants him to see this particular memory.

They exit the bathroom into the expanse of a tremendously large living room. The house is massive. The living room alone is probably the size of all the dorms at the Order put together. The walls are lined with wainscoting and decorated with paintings. Various trinkets adorn the wooden furniture. There’s so much that capture his eyes at once, but all he can think is,  _I know this place._

He, Nea, walks up the wide flight of stairs. His fingers ghost over the oak railing. Eventually, he reaches the massive home library. Dozens of bookshelves were lined up in tall rows. So tall, they reach the ceiling.

Allen immediately catches sight of the color red. He sees the back of the man with long red hair who is pouring over a particularly large tome. The sight of the redhead makes his head spin and he feels nauseous. 

“Red,” Nea says softly.

“Now is not the time.” The man replies, not bothering to face the Noah.

“Oh no?” Nea chuckles. “Then when? You can’t possibly still be mad at me…”

The Noah puts one hand on the man’s shoulders and with the other, he gingerly brushes a lock of that red hair behind his ear.

The man finally turns his head to look up at Nea, a large red blush blooms across his cheeks.

“Would you quit doing that?” He bites out.

Allen can barely make out what he says because it’s not important. The only thing he realizes is the deep colored eyes of this man that he’s staring into are his own.

_Allen!_

_Moyashi!_

He’s panting but he no longer sees Red. There’s cobalt and there’s brown. A towel is draped over his shoulders, the only thing covering his nude form. He cares nothing of modesty. All he can think of is that redhead. That was him. He knew Nea? He feels his head spin, the ceiling turns in a violent whirl. He just wants this all to end. There isn’t much time left. 

Johnny is on his right side, one of his hands is gripping his bicep, the other holds his hand tightly. On his left, he feels Kanda’s arm around his back holding him up with a steely grip.

He needs to tell them that there’s not much time left. It's coming to an end. He can feel it. He feels hot tears pour down his cheeks and his throat constrict painfully. When he opens his mouth to speak the only thing that comes out is a loud wail.

Kanda has no idea what to do. He’d seen the younger man cry before but this was different. This sent him into a panic and he’s unsure of how to make it stop. But he wants so badly for it to stop.

_Fucking Nea._ If he weren’t in Walker’s body he’d have fucking killed him already.

Johnny’s soft voice pulls Kanda from his thoughts.

“Allen. We’re here. You’re safe.” He wraps his arms around Walker, pulling him into a hug, and he buries his face into his shoulder. He repeats, “You’re safe.”

Kanda is sure that Allen doesn’t feel any better but it’s enough to make him stop wailing and for the stream of tears to slow down. The youngest closes his eyes and nuzzles his head against Johnny’s.

A small guilty smile settles onto Kanda's face. He’s grateful for the older man because had it been he alone, there’s no way he could do much to calm Allen. Still, he feels useless that he can do nothing but just stand around and watch like a bystander.

Walker opens his eyes, his silver irises look dull, almost lifeless. Slowly, he says, “Johnny…Kanda…there’s not much time-”

“ _Stop._ ” Kanda responds harshly. It surprises himself how much he doesn’t want to hear the rest of Moyashi’s words.

Allen peeks up at him from behind his bangs that have grown much too long. The purplish-blue hue of the skin around his eyes is terrifying. But Kanda refuses to let this discourage him. He is still Allen Walker. And as long as he was Allen Walker, there was still a chance.

“It’s this shit hole…you’ll feel better when we get to our next stop.” He says, sounding desperate even to his own ears. He wonders if Allen hears it too. He knows Johnny does, he can see it in the way the man’s grip on Walker tightens at the words.

“I’m sorry-” Walker begins but Kanda cuts him off.

“ _Don’t._ ” He nudges Johnny off and they both help Allen stand to his feet. Allen rubs his eyes but then nods. Kanda continues, “Let’s finish getting ready. We’re already behind on our schedule.”

The battle has not yet been lost.

 

* * *

 

There's a sick swirling feeling in the pit of his belly that burns painfully as Lavi is led from room to room by his Noah captor.

He lags slowly behind the Noah whose figure seems immense to Lavi as he’s nearly doubled over, clutching his shivering torso. The blanket he’d been given in his captivity does nothing to rid of the chill biting his skin.

In the faint glow of the lantern, he can see his body, which is terribly thin from weeks of imprisonment. Even if he wants to fight, even if he wants to run, there is no way his body will allow him to. He's too weak now. Escape would only lead to him following in Gramps' place...

The sound of the feet tapping against the ground echoes loudly in the dark halls of …of… _well,_ he isn’t sure where he is. Though it is not unlike a dungeon or prison. It’s musty and it’s dark and he’s been held captive for god knows how long.

They climb up the stairs. A distant light filters through the space between the two metal doors. Lavi feels a variety of emotions at that moment. In part, he’s terrified and yet he’s impatient to reach the place beyond his current hell. He foolishly wants to believe that there is something more beyond those doors.

The Noah opens the door and the light pours in quickly like water gushing through a sinking ship. He squints his lone eye, the intensity of the sun’s rays are too much for him to bare after so much time in the darkness.

When his eyes finally adjust, he nearly gapes at the greenery which seems to expand endlessly. Trees stand tall in scattered, spaced-out patterns. The tall grass brushes up his calves. In the near distance, he hears the sound of waves crashing onto the shore. The call of seagulls ring loudly as they fly above, white feathers bright against the soft blue sky.

Lavi wishes he could describe this scene as beautiful. He wishes he could have witnessed a place of such mystifying beauty under other circumstances. Lenalee would love this place. Her eyes would widen and sparkle in wonder. A smile would adorn her features and just thought the thought of it makes his breath hitch. It does not matter how much time has passed, he can never forget her smile.

“Quit standing there and move,” The Noah says then, ripping him away from the brief solace of his imagination.

Lavi forces himself to walk forward despite the pain burning up and down his body like wildfire. Eventually, they reach woodlands. The trees are so tall when he looks up they curl around them and seemingly touch the clouds.  It’s beautiful, really, and that’s what makes this all the more difficult.

The walk seems to feel like forever for Lavi’s weakened muscles. His step falters and he falls to his knees. There’s no way he can go on. Not like this. He feels the bile rise up from his belly and burn up through his throat. He vomits on the ground. The rancid-like taste and smell of the regurgitated contents of his stomach are seemingly the only normal thing to him now.

“Disgusting,” The Noah’s face twists. In a harsh voice, he demands, “Get up.”

Lavi is not stupid, he knows how dangerous these people are. So despite his weakness he tries to stand, he tries to keep going. _“Keep Walking…”_ Allen had told him once with a bright smile on his face. The teenager was encased in darkness yet he always tried to lift his spirits. For Lenalee, for Allen, for Gramps…for everyone at the Order.

One step. Then two. Then three…and a half.

Lavi falls to the ground. A darkness consumes him.

 

* * *

 

The station is bustling with people. The small building is filled with chattering and laughter. Families and friends bid ‘hellos’ or ‘goodbyes.’

Kanda follows behind Allen and Johnny who walk slowly in front of him. The Beansprout walks lethargically, his body is still weak. It really isn't the best decision to travel when he's like this, but they have no other choice. He needs to get out of here. This place is no good. He convinces himself. Walker is strong, there is no way Nea can push him to this point. So Kanda convinces himself that a change of scenery will help. He'll go back to the Order and get money and then return again. Everything will be how it was.

It won't. He knows.

Johnny matches Walker's pace, despite his struggle with the small suitcase he carries with both of his hands. It’s packed with their clothing and some essentials like toothpaste and other toiletries. Kanda allowed Johnny to carry it since he’s so gung-ho about ‘being useful’ or whatever. He isn’t sure what he means by that and he doesn’t ask. He just let’s the older man happily lug the old thing around. Meanwhile, he focuses on the time and getting Allen as far away from here as possible.

People push, shove, stare and Kanda somehow finds it in his power to not threaten these annoying civilians with mugen. He’s finally over his stupid cold and soon they'll be out of this country and those are things to be content with. So he lets it slide, _this_ time. But he swears to god if he feels another person touch him he’ll yell.

The Beansprout and Johnny manage to find two empty seats next to each other and there’s a third one across from them. It’s the closest they’ll find in the busy station. Johnny carries some conversation with Walker that he doesn’t care about and they hardly notice that he has to sit away from them.

Kanda scowls as he’s forced to sit next to a family with loud, obnoxious kids no older than Timothy back at the Order. _Go figure,_  he huffs to himself in defeat and crosses his arms.

In reality, he's not actually annoyed. He has too much on his mind and He needs to get this right. This wasn’t a very large town so the trains ran on a strict schedule. They had a precise window of time that Link specified they leave by or else they’ll be stranded in this country for another few days. Staying any longer really wasn’t an option. If he can get Walker out of here then he wouldn’t suffer so badly. Or so he continues to tell himself.

Kanda nervously fiddles with the ticket in his pocket, he is trying to remain placid but his mind is adrift. There’s a feeling deep in his gut that makes him uneasy. 

_It’s nothing,_ he tries to reassure himself.

He distracts himself, scanning over the station for any strange or suspicious persons. Once, twice, a dozen times, but there’s nobody for him to worry about. There are only irritating people that stare at him.  _“Have you never seen a foreigner?”_ he wants to yell at them. But he holds back his tongue and leans back in the chair. The Beansprout would scold him for it and he wasn’t in the mood for the teen’s annoying lectures… It's what he tells himself because he doesn’t actually think Walker would say anything at this point and that’s what's more unsettling. 

Kanda forces himself relax. It doesn’t work. There’s a feeling nagging at him that he can’t shake off.

He looks over at Walker and Johnny. The bespectacled man animatedly moves his arms as he tells a very exaggerated story about the scientists at the Order. Allen wears a soft smile, seemingly better all thanks to Johnny. Kanda is sure that if it weren't for him, Allen might not be Allen anymore.

Kanda’s dark eyes drift over to Walker alone, who looks….fucking weird. Not wanting to raise suspicion or curious eyes, Johnny brought up a wig and makeup to their room after his journey in the motel earlier that day. With the makeup, he covered the cursed mark that mars the Beansprout's face. Then he helped him put on the wig. The fake red hair is shorter than Walker’s current hairstyle, it’s length much like it was a year ago. Johnny’s makeup job is so well done, not even a trace of the cursed mark can be seen. The teen looks like a complete stranger. No matter how many times he looks at him, Kanda can’t get used to the teen not being the Beansprout that he’s known for years now.

_“If I hadn’t been cursed… This is what I would have looked like…” Walker says sadly as he gazes at his own reflection. His gloved cursed hand reaches toward the mirror, his fingers hovering just over his own reflected face._

_It all makes Kanda feel strange. He hadn’t always been the most pleasant person when it came to the Beansprout. Alright. He could admit he’s been a fucking asshole to Allen since he arrived at the Black Order. Kanda had said horrible things to him before but never did he think about what life would be like if he never met the teen._

_But he does then._  
  
If he never met Allen Walker he’d still be obliviously and angrily serving the Black Order. He’d walk on the same grounds where Alma was trapped like a moth in a jar and he would still be searching for ‘that person.’ Allen Walker had freed both he and Alma from the shackles of their past lives and their current ones. Kanda really owed him everything.

_It’s then that he realizes he doesn’t want to imagine a life without Allen Walker._

So much has changed. He can’t really describe it but there’s a calm air between him and Moyashi. It seems tangible almost, it's as if he can reach out and touch it. What would that feel like anyway? He wonders if this is how Johnny or Lenalee feel around him. Is this feeling why they hold onto the teen so strongly? 

Allen looks at him then. His face is blank but his eyes are dark and sunken in. “Are you feeling okay?” _Allen_ asks him, “We can trade seats if you want.” 

His eyes widen. How could the Beansprout think of his well-being when he was suffering? _Why are you always so worried about everyone else but yourself?_

“I’m fine,” he grunts in response and looks away. He can't seem to look at Walker but he can still feel his eyes on him. Kanda tightens his arms closer against his chest and tries to ignore the pain in his chest. He hates this. He hates that he can never seem to do anything right. He’s the reason for Alma's demise. He's the reason for Walker’s downward spiral. Could he do nothing but bring destruction?

The question in his mind seems to be answered when a loud bang echoes throughout the station. People scream in a panic and pieces of ceiling plaster rain down on them. 

Instinctually, he and Allen leap to their feet then line up back to back, assessing the situation on each side of the station.

Then Kanda sees a level four akuma fly through the building. It's ugly face gleaming with a sinister smile.

From behind him, he hears Allen shout, “Johnny!” 

Kanda quickly looks over his shoulder and finds a Noah is holding an unconscious Johnny by the collar of his trench coat.

The Noah’s mouth twists up into a devious smile.

“Nea. I almost didn’t recognize you.”

 

* * *

 

Kanda is in a bind.

There’s a level four akuma charging toward a crowd of people and there's a Noah behind him that is using Johnny as a hostage to get to Walker. He can’t let innocents die but he also can’t let Johnny die and he can't let this goddamn Noah take the Moyashi with him.

“Fuck…” He mutters under his breath. 

“Kanda…” Allen’s voice is low and serious. As if the younger read his mind, he says, “Go save those people. I’ve got this.”

He wants to yell at him and tell him to stop being idiotic. He can't control his innocence anymore, how could he possibly fight this Noah and save Johnny? But the words never leave Kanda’s mouth. His instincts are to trust Allen despite this terrible predicament they find themselves in.

In an instant, he’s charging towards that level four akuma with a speed to outmatch the disfigured demon.

“Kanda Yu,” The ugly thing stops in front of him, sizing him up with its large eyes. Its chilling smiling is large and stretched unnaturally on its taut face, “So the rumors are true. You came back.”

There were rumors about his return? Why did a damn demon care anyway? He remembers that another akuma had said something similar to him before, back when he and Johnny were still searching for the Beansprout. Why did it even matter to them whether he live or die?

The ugly thing’s smile never wavers. It mouth open mechanically, like a crank opening up a jack-in-the-box. A yellow ball of energy collects in its mouth and gets bigger and bigger and it rapidly shoots out. Kanda braces for the attack but it flies over his shoulder and heads straight towards a tiny child.

_Stupid kid!_ He thinks and he quickly runs toward her, grabbing the small child with her stupid grubby hands clutching onto him. Kanda can’t move quickly enough to save the child and completely block the attack. But he mostly reflects the blast with mugen and he grits his teeth as he feels the dissipating energy burn the skin from his fingers.

The adrenaline pumps in his veins. The child is still clutching onto him with her head buried in his shoulder. Somehow he thinks she’s safer with him and instead of setting her down, Kanda charges toward the akuma. In a  single line through its middle, he cuts the demon in half, killing it instantly.

Kanda sets the girl down and immediately yells, “Damn kid! Why did you run in the way?”

She stares at him with large watery eyes. Her mouth opens and she wails, “I’m s-s-sorry!”

“Ugh. It’s fine.” He replies. His hands hover over the girl. He has no idea how to comfort a kid. Instead, he points toward a bench and instructs her "Just crawl under there. Make sure to cover your damn eyes and your ears.” The girl pouts and nods. She's about to scurry away but then she stops and quickly wraps her small arms around him. “Thank you, mister!”

The girl pouts and nods. She's about to scurry away but then she stops and jumps on him, wrapping her small arms around him. “Thank you, mister!”

Kanda stiffens, unsure of what to do. But finally, the child scampers off and does exactly as he told her.

With the civilians safe from the akuma destroyed, he sprints off in the Beansprout's direction.

 

* * *

 

Once Kanda had gone off, Allen had one less person to worry about. Now, his focus was on the Noah before him. 

The blue-haied Noah is smiling at him familiarly. In a sing-song voice, he says,  “It’s been hard to find you, Nea, but now you’re here.” 

“I’m Allen. Not Nea.”

The man raises a brow and grins. “You’re not fooling anyone with that. The Earl may be blinded by his love for you but I’m not.”

“Fiidora,” He replies in a voice that is his and not his own, “To think you’d come before me after that last time. Are you really that foolish?“ 

Allen's eyes widen in disbelief. Instinctively his hands cover his mouth. Nea...Nea is here too.

Fiidora licks his fingers with his tongue embedded with eyes. Smiling, he throws a passed out Johnny off to the side. Allen feels his own consciousness slip along with him.

 

"There he is. We’ve all been expecting you.” The Noah reaches his arm out, “It’s time to come home.”

Nea rolls his eyes. It’s apparently hard to get the message through these damned Noah’s heads. Then again their incompetent excuse for a leader refused to listen to him. He would be the true Earl. Not that impostor in a ridiculous costume. But now was not the time. He still needed to regain his strength and he still needed to see the few allies he had before his time would come. For now, he would remain patient and let everything fall into place.

Tilting his head to the side, he grins at Fiidora, “There is no home and there will be no Noah. There is only me.” 


	7. Chapter 7

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Warnings: Gore, Death
> 
> Sorry for my long absence. Much has gone on these past months. Thank you for your continuing support.
> 
> Also sorry for any errors, I went over this so many times and I still worry I missed things.

It takes Nea an instant to realize this body is incredibly lighter and faster than his own had been, but it’s physically weaker. He and Fiidora rush towards each other and exchange blows. Fiidora’s fist collides with his mouth and his lips tear onto his teeth. He swings back at the Noah’s gut and strikes upward, hitting his chin and causing the man’s head to snap back. Still, the blow is nowhere as powerful as it would have been had it been his own body years ago.

There’s a pain that rushes through this body and he’s reminded of those human instincts and what it feels like to be alive. A smile stretches across his face and blood pools at the corners of his lips.

“Do you remember the last time we fought?” Fiidora pants like a dog. He’s thirsty for some form of revenge and glory from their sham of an Earl.

“I remember everyone I’ve fought. No matter how pathetic that fight might have been.”

“You killed me and betrayed the rest of us,” Fiidora hisses. The Noah’s brows furrows and his enthused expression crumbles into an angered smile, “Perhaps I should just kill you. It’s not unbelievable considering that weak body of yours.”

“I’m not sure if your precious Earl would like that. He does seem to have his unhealthy fascination in me.” Nea shrugs, “Besides, this body may be physically weak, but when it comes to power there would be no contest here.”

It’s no surprise to Nea that these Noah are not the brightest. Fiidora doesn’t seem to notice all of the eyes on them or the outside forces nearing toward them.

As much as it aggravates Nea to know he must return to the confines of his world, he knows there’s not another option. There won’t be much time until the Noah and The Order are here. Before he goes, he needs to make one message to them clear, ‘Your reign is over. I am here.’

Fiidora stares at him intently, the eyes embedded within his tongue even more so.

It is futile. This was over before it even started.

Nea hums slowly. The soft melancholic song comes from the pit of his stomach. His voice dances in the space between them. “This universe was created from nothingness,” He sings.

“Are you begging for forgiveness? ” Fiidora grins, “Well, I won’t accept it.”

This song he learned long ago… he remembers it well. He remembers the chills he had felt when he first sang it and played it on the piano. To know such destruction could come from such beauty. To think he would still need to sing it to this day.

Large pillars form, enclosing he and Fiidora in a cubic structure. The light emitting from the beams are so blindly bright, the white of the cubic room causes the Noah opposite of him to squint and snap his head back and forth in confusion.

“W-what is this?”

“From stardust, a chemical mess...”

He feels what was once his innocence burn harshly in this cursed red arm. This mark he had left on this boy’s body years ago. He badly aches to feel Clown Crown again, but there’s no time for that. Not now anyhow.

“Let’s end this,” he tells Fiidora.

 

* * *

 

It’s the pungent smell of iron and rot that tears his closed eyes open. Allen quickly sits up and covers his mouth with both hands, trying to prevent the vomit from rising up his throat.

There are corpses scattered around him, piled on top of each other like dead leaves in the fall.

“Can you hear my voice?” The words are muffled to Allen’s ears.

He shakily stands to his feet and desperately searches for anyone that’s still alive. He’s met with silence from the countless dead. Their now permanent horror-stricken expressions makes him feel sick. Tears well up thickly in his eyes. Allen knows they’re all dead but it doesn’t stop him from looking. There has to be someone alive. Who could be so cruel? To kill so many…all this death of humans and demons alike. He wants to cry but he can’t even do that.

“Can you hear my voice?”

“Just leave me in peace,” he hurriedly runs away from this graveyard, unable to tolerate this horror any longer. But how can he ask for such a thing when the bodies of those that suffered surround him? He falls to his knees, unable to stop the tears that stream down his face.

It only occurs to him then that he’s in Nea’s world. These countless corpses…they’re all the souls collected to keep that man…that demon alive alive. He wonders if it’s worth it to continue fighting. These are all the people lost to keep Nea alive, how many more had to die to bring him back?

This constant internal battle feels like a lost cause, but there’s still those few Allen fights for. The traitorous part of his mind wonders if it’s worth it, but he imagines their faces, their voices, and somehow he is on his feet again. He stumbles back and forth, his knees are weak and ready to buckle but he persists somehow. Walking under the dark night, he notices there’s not a single cloud in the sky, just specks of white stars dotted across the black velvet.

In his fruitless search, he stumbles upon a figure standing on the steps of a cubic, pillared structure, like those he had seen in Greece on a previous mission. That familiar man…Noah, sits with his arm bent over his leg, while his other leg is stretched out long across the steps. Tyki’s hand is clutched over the space above his heart.

“Boy,” He says softly. His words are but a whisper from his lips and he doesn’t look up from where his head is bowed and his bangs are covering his eyes.

“What…” Allen starts but the rest of the words don’t come. Is he real or an apparition? Fact or fiction, can he even tell the difference anymore?

“As long as they exist, we’ll always visit this place,” the man answers his unfinished question. His gold eyes flick up at Allen, searching his form up and down. A small smile settles on his face.

“This place…It’s part of Nea’s memories, right?” Allen asks.

“No.”

“No?”

“If they were his memories, it would mean they no longer exist.” Tyki stands to his feet and stretches out his arms, “This place is very much real.”

“What do you mean?”

The Noah smirks, “We’re not so different, you and I.”

Allen feels his face twist at that remark but he doesn’t say anything. He feels it’s pointless at this point. He wants to fight from Nea’s grasp again. Just once more he wants to be Allen Walker again.

“I’m sure you noticed, right?” Tyki asks him.

Allen raises a brow. He’s tired of these word games. He doesn’t know if Tyki is messing with his head or being honest. How could this Noah assume they were even remotely similar? He is part of the reason he was in this situation in the first place. The man had saved him from the Order’s sure death sentence, but it wasn’t out of the kindness of his heart. The Noah wanted Nea back and he was the key.

“Where you just came from…the sun is out but in this world it is dark. So I say, you and I are not so different,” He points upward, “We stand under this same moonless sky.”

Allen balls his hands into fists, his nails dig into his palms.

“What would you know about me? You’re one of them.”

“You have quite the sense of humor, boy,” Tyki chuckles, “It’s hard to accept that you are so like someone you despise.”

“I don’t despise…” He squints his eyes, “What do you mean?”

Tyki walks over to him and stands tall before Allen. The small smile he was once wearing grows slightly.

“When the moon comes out and beams on everything that you hold dear, remember that I’m not far but I am near.”

 

 

In an instant Allen no longer sees Tyki or that dark world. He’s in a different darkness now, the dark smoke billows around him, stinging his eyes and choking the air out of his lungs. He can’t see anything, save for the Noah at his feet. A mangled mess of death and blood, with limbs ripped from their sockets and eyes bulging from his head.

Allen’s hands and body is covered in blood that is not his own. Suddenly, he’s hit with a wave of nausea and vomits on the ground at his feet.

Then he feels a strong hand on his shoulder. He can’t see but he know it’s Kanda. His suspicions confirmed when he hears the man grit harshly between his teeth, “We need to go. Now.”

 

It all happens in a blur then. They skip the train they were supposed to hop on and walk several miles through the woods. They’re far away from any form of civilization. The snow falls lightly on them and he clutches his arms close to his body. He watches Johnny’s back in front of him and from behind he feels Kanda’s heavy presence watching his every move. Allen doesn’t have to turn around to see Kanda’s grip tightened around mugen.

They had gotten out of that train station fast, escaping before the smoke cleared. All those people that were there, had any of them gotten hurt? Had Nea hurt them with his hands? These hands were bound now. Kanda had made sure to tie them behind his back. Once a prisoner of the Order, now he's forced to be a prisoner of his friends...

He can't dwell over that now. His mind keeps going back to that Noah...dead at his feet. He feels the tears prick in his eyes.

It’s hours before they finally stop. The sun had set long ago.

Johnny sets the suitcase next to the large trunk of a tree and plops to the ground. He pants tiredly and and in a panic, "Do you think we lost them?"

"I think we're far enough." Kanda answers. “Sit.” Kanda orders from behind him, but he doesn’t listen. No, he spins on his heel and glares at the man behind him.

“Did he hurt anyone else?”

“Just sit down.” His tone isn’t one of anger or frustration, to his surprise, but of exhaustion. So he complies and sits in the space between where Johnny is seated and Kanda stands.

“Just that Noah.” Kanda answers. His dark eyes are trained on him, roving over his face.

“Just get it over with already," Allen cries out, “You see that Nea has control! Because of Nea, I...killed.”

“In case you’ve forgotten, I have too.” His head snaps up and he stares at Kanda in disbelief. “He was a Noah. He deserved to die.”

But who is to say that anyone can dictate who lives and who dies? Why was there a war between them at all? He feels the tears in his eyes threatening to spill. What made that Noah's life any less important?

Allen grits through his teeth, “And we don’t?”

“We do.”

There’s a long silence between them. One thick and palpable. His heart hammers against his chest and there's a dull pain in his head. How badly he wants this all to end... It is Kanda’s duty to kill Nea, isn’t it? So why won’t he do it? He thinks back to all those people he had seen in Nea's world. So many died for this despicable demon occupying the spaces of his mind.

“Kanda…please. Just…”

“Don’t,” the dark-haired man practically growls at him. He storms past him close enough that his legs knock him back onto his rear. “We’ll continue traveling when the sun is down.” He says above him.

When Kanda is gone it’s only then that he’s able to muster the thoughts he’s been thinking these past months.

“I don’t understand that guy,” He cries out, “What is he waiting for?”

Johnny places his hand on Allen’s shoulder and kneels beside him.

“He’s waiting for you.”

“For me?” Allen squints at him. I don't understand what you mean...”

The bespectacled man sits in front of him, a wet washcloth in his hand. He gestures toward the makeup on his face. "May I?"

Allen simply nods.

“Kanda and I don’t agree on many things, but we certainly agree on one thing,” Johnny speaks as he softly cleans the makeup from his face. He's careful around his eyes and gently dabs at the scar on his face.

It's hard to imagine that Johnny and Kanda would ever get along, but Allen had to admit they did surprisingly well. The older man was kind, of course even someone as rough as Kanda could get along with him.

Allen waits for Johnny to continue. When he doesn’t, he asks, “What is that?”

Johnny is silent for a few more moments. His attention is occupied on removed that thick coating of makeup from his face. It's only when it's all removed that the man speaks again. He sets the wet rag on the ground. His brown eyes stare into his own and he wears the largest, sweetest smile.

“You’re still you.”

Allen is taken aback those simple words. He bites down on his tongue and tries not to let the cry strangle from his throat. How badly he wishes Johnny...and Kanda were right. If only either of them knew just how much pain he was in.

“I’m not…”

“You are.”

 

* * *

 

Once he is far enough from Allen and Johnny, Kanda allows himself a moment of privacy. He lets out a shaky breath and leans his against a tree large tree that towers over him. Fleeing from that train station had been long and terrifying. How was it that he was learning what fear meant all over again lately? Is this what it meant when you had people to protect?

The fourteenth had re-surfaced. He could give less of a fuck about that Noah he killed, but it wasn't about that. How much longer did Walker have?

Kanda ran his hand through his hair, then cursed when a pain jolted through his arm. There was a sharp pain radiatiaing throughout his arm, the same one that demon had burned. Gingerly, he rolls his sleeve up, then removes the armband

“What the…” His eyes widen at the sight. Thick throbbing veins protruded from the innocence mark on his wrist. Kanda face crumbles as he painfully touches the mark. He hisses painfully as his fingers comes in contact with the sensitive flesh. What was this? He thought briefly then it occurs to him that perhaps...his innonce is rejecting him. He shakes his head, there’s no way his innocence should start rejecting him now. No...Not when he hadn’t even accomplished everything he needed to do.

He closes his eyes and steadies his breathing. _Think, think..._

A sharp pain slices through his arm then. “Fuck!” He sinks to his feet trying not to mourn over the fact that something is going horribly wrong. This should not occur this quickly, it has never happened to anyone this way before.

“Kanda!” He hears Johnny call for him, not far from where he was standing.

Kanda fits his armband back over his arm, then rolls his sleeve down. He follows after the older man’s voice. His insides twist.

 

 

They snuck on a freight train several towns away. He, Allen, and Johnny sit behind stacks of hay, hidden far from the open side of the train cart.

None of them had said much for the past few hours. Kanda is glad for it. There’s no way he’d be able to stomach anything especially after what happened in the train station, or the fact that the Order and Noah certainly have a lead on their trail, or the pain shooting up an down his arm.

The Order and the Noah must know by now that Nea killed that Noah. Did any bystanders recognize he and Johnny? He rubbed his hands over his eyes. He didn’t know what to do or where they could go. Their original destination could be tracked from the destroyed train station, so they couldn't go there anymore.

This could all be over. Allen is still bound and he is still himself. It wasn't what he originally intended, but maybe if they died together then Johnny could still have a chance... He shook his head, the idea didn't sit right wit him. It made his head and chest ache more painfully than his innocence rejecting him. He just wants to sleep.

 

Days pass before they are far enough that Kanda felt they could rest for a while. They took a train south and they were far enough from Sweden that he felt less worried. Still, he barely slept and tried to meditate in hopes he could slow down whatever was happening with his body.

Allen and Johnny have been quiet for days. Occasionally they play some game of cards, but it's not like it was before. It's just a distraction from what they're too afraid to admit.

“I’m going to take a piss.” Kanda lies to dismiss himself. It has been days past his scheduled return to the Order. There’s no doubt they were wondering where he was, but there's nothing he can do about that now. He can’t leave Johnny and goddamn Allen Walker to fend for their own. Not like this.

Still, as these days pass he feels the hot pain slowly lick up his arm. Away from Walker and Gill, Kanda exposes his arm. He grits his teeth when his bare skin comes into view. The skin surrounding the innocence mark on his wrist is crimson and thick veins that feed blood to his innocence pulsate like a beating heart.

 _Will I even live long enough to see Allen and Johnny off?_ He wonders apprehensively. They need to stop somewhere immediately. Kanda isn’t sure if he can make it long enough to see that those two were safe, but he needed to try. Innocence be damned.

 

* * *

 

They settled for lunch in the quiet hills just outside of the city. It wasn’t so far that it would raise suspicion of the Order, but it was enough to lend them some privacy.

It isn’t exactly the best time for a picnic considering the winter chill and the thin blanket of snow on the ground. The skies were gracious enough at least, to grant them a clear day. The shine of the sun made it tolerable, but there was a slight chill every now and then that made her clutch her arms closer to her chest.

As odd as her brother could be, he was sensible enough to place a tarpaulin underneath the thick blanket they were seated on. Lenalee rubbed her hands together and blew her warm breath over her fingers. She shouldn’t have worn these fingerless gloves, but they’d become such an integral part of her outfit. Not to mention, she hadn’t expected Komui to take her out here…this quiet park that hadn’t seen as many visitors as it usually saw over the summer months. It wasn’t so desolate however. In the distance she heard children playing and laughing and their guardians happily conversing with each other.

Perhaps in another life she’d understand what it meant to be carefree. Now however, the weight of apprehension fell heavily on her. She wondered where her friends were and what required such privacy that her brother had to take her so far and literally conceal their conversation as a picnic in the park.

They finished eating minutes ago and still he had not provided her comfort about what happened to everyone she loved. It frustrates her that he hadn't said anything and yet, she was partly grateful for it. She needed to collect herself before she could stomach anything else.

“It’s been a long time since we’ve spent time alone, hasn’t it?” Komui is smiling, but it doesn’t quite reach his eyes. She knows how stressed he has been these passed months. There wasn’t ever time for them to be together. It hurt her, but she wasn’t upset with him. How could she be? Especially after all he’d given to take care of her. She truly hoped that one day they could live freely away from the Order, away from the Noah, the demons, and this city that had become a prison. Maybe one day it would all be over.

She hadn’t ever quite believed that there was much happiness in the world. It was why she spent much of her youth reading stories that took her far from all the horrors the Order had introduced her to. Kanda used to hate those books, she remembered. She didn’t quite understand it then, but now she understood he didn’t believe in happiness. Not when his short life had shown him nothing but agony. Still, he pretended to be interested, or as much as Kanda could, when she told him about these fantasy worlds she so thoroughly wished were real.

He even read her most prized novels no matter how uninterested he was. He wasn’t the fastest reader and it took him months to read something she read in weeks. Still, he’d always get through those books just because she’d asked him to. Even when he was most miserable, he was always kind to her. They were each other’s first friends.

Lenalee felt her throat tighten. She’d hadn’t seen Kanda in so long. She missed him severely. She missed Allen and Johnny. She missed Lavi.

“It has been…” She says carefully, not quite trusting her voice at the moment.

Komui, sensing her inner grief, meets her eyes. His dark eyes are warm and caring and can see the hurt that wouldn’t be visible to anyone else.

“I’m sorry for this…” He gestures to their chilly picnic, “It’s not safe back there. We don’t know who could be listening.”

She nods, biting her lip.

“They don’t trust me because all of my friends are gone?” She asks.

Komui shakes is head. “On the contrary. They trust you because you’re still here, while they’re out there. Somewhere. Kanda…they haven’t heard from him in days.”

Lenalee swallows harshly. This revelation unnerves her. Was he okay? Surely he was okay. It didn’t seem like Kanda to just disappear like that. Regardless of his hatred for the Order, he still accomplished everything in a timely manner. For him to disappear without a word only meant one thing.

“He’s looking for Allen…” She says out loud.

Komui looks surprised.

“He told you that?”

She shakes her head. “He didn’t have to.”

Komui smiles softly. “He’s truly something else.”

“I’m sure he’ll find him.” Lenalee nervously plays with the fabric of her gloves. She hoped wherever Allen was that Kanda would find him.

She looks up at her brother who was eyeing her carefully. She isn’t sure what was going on in that mind of his, but from his expression, she could tell there was something bothering him. There was something that was twisting his insides.

“What is it?” She frowns.

He sighs. “There’s a place in the South…The Order will want you to go on a mission there. If they ask, I need you to refuse.”

There is something about that request specifically that makes her uneasy. Her brother had kept her away from a lot these past months. Too much. It was with her best interest, but that didn’t mean she could let this happen forever. What was he keeping from her now?

“Why?”

“It’s incredibly dangerous.”

“What’s down there?”

“It’s important to the Noah, somehow. Lenalee, you can’t go.”

His eyes are brimming with tears and he shakes slightly. She didn’t doubt that it was dangerous, that it would be incredibly stupid for her to go. Yet there is something telling her that she needs to.

 

The very next day she, Marie, Miranada, and a few other exorcists she had never been acquainted with were called by Lvellie. The man’s mean mug was set firmly as it always was. He eyed each of them with long, hard glares.

Folding his hands over his desk, he says, “Tomorrow morning you all will be leaving on a train going South and stopping not far from Pau.”

Lenalee thinks back to yesterday afternoon. Her brother’s warning was sharp in her mind. She at all of the faces in that room and realizes that most of the people that had been called to his office are considered among the Order’s strongest. There is something incredibly dangerous going on here and that’s why Lvellie made sure to assemble such a strong, large team.

She steps forward and in her sternest voice asks, “And if we refuse?”

Lvellie furrows his brows, but he smirks, “Would you turn your back on Bookman’s successor?”

“L…Lavi…” Her eyes widen and she feels her heart thump against her chest. “The Noah…captured Lavi?”

“As well as others." The man says without concern, "However, if you find it so important to turn your back on the people you claim to love, then by all means, do so.”

“No!” Lenalee shakes her head profusely, “Of course, not. I-”

Lvellie scoffs and speaks over her, “You leave at dawn.”


End file.
